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24219. iiibbb - 7/3/2008 9:51:02 PM Ethically, I feel I have to stay here a year (there is also the matter of having to pay the moving money back if I leave too soon).... but still I'm not even going to look until October.
After that I will start to look in earnest New England way. There is a certain likelihood that P's going to get an offer up there, and they want her bad enough that should that offer come (November or so) they can wait up to a year before she'll have to move.
There is one bureaucratic hurdle that she must pass which is why I'm not counting my chickens yet.
It might get tough for me, but whatever... I took a chance coming here... I can take a chance going there. I'm probably better equipped to deal with the uncertainty than she is. My federal hiring status will last about 3 years from the day I leave this job... so that will give me a bit of a cushion, and my foot in the door for jobs up that way. 24220. iiibbb - 7/3/2008 9:52:08 PM If we both land federal jobs... there won't be any moving for quite a while. My brother lives up there, and we'll be close to NYC so we can visit her parents regularly... using the train even.
I'm worried if we both don't land something solid because the cost of living is going to be a little crazy. 24221. arkymalarky - 7/3/2008 10:59:48 PM True, but y'all don't have kids and you have family support. 24222. judithathome - 7/4/2008 2:39:23 PM AND, not having to re-pay the moving expense is a really big deal...my husband is in the moving business and the stories he tells of how much cost is involved in a move are staggering. 24223. judithathome - 7/4/2008 2:40:19 PM Have a great Fourth of July, Americans! 24224. judithathome - 7/9/2008 1:52:37 PM Magos, where ARE you? 24225. magoseph - 7/9/2008 3:30:20 PM We were kidnapped last Friday and forced to have fun. At home and barely alive, we are now recuperating. Will call you this afternoon. 24226. thoughtful - 7/10/2008 1:26:21 PM Can't go wrong in old new england. Don't know if it's because I've lived here all my life, but I can't imagine living anywhere else. Visiting, sure, but living? No way. Life here is a wonderful balance...enough winter, enough spring, enough summer, enough fall. No hurricanes, except occasionally, no tornadoes, except occasionally, no earthquakes, except occasionally, no brush fires, except occasionally, adequate rain except occasionally...you get the picture.
 24227. magoseph - 7/11/2008 11:35:06 PM Took this from Random--we can't be that stupid,
now can we?
24228. wonkers2 - 7/12/2008 3:45:13 AM Incredible! 24229. judithathome - 7/12/2008 2:56:01 PM WE aren't that stupid but a lot of people living around us ARE. I've been saying this all along and it is why I don't trust the electorate in this country to know what's best one whit.
But seriously, samplings from any country in the world could turn up that many ignorant assholes. 24230. thoughtful - 7/12/2008 5:32:55 PM As George Carlin put it, think about how dumb the average guy is and then realize that half of the world is dumber than that!
So much for our vaunted educational system! 24231. arkymalarky - 7/12/2008 6:24:23 PM Education cures ignorance, not stupidity. 24232. judithathome - 7/13/2008 3:45:16 PM Great point! 24233. judithathome - 7/14/2008 4:08:11 AM Arky, let me know if there's anything you want from here when we come for the weekend in August.
Sadly, they don't have the chocolate straws you like at the commisary any longer. 24234. arkymalarky - 7/14/2008 5:41:19 PM Oh, that's fine. I seem to have gotten over them and pixy stix. Just yourselves will be fantastic! 24235. iiibbb - 7/20/2008 9:45:40 AM The shit is hitting the fan again.
I'm getting tired of this. I am frustrated and depressed and at a loss of what to do. There's nothing I can do really. She's depressed and can't deal with this anymore. There's at lot of transference onto me, but my capacity to deal with it is shot. Can't talk to her about it because all she tells me is A) "I don't want to talk about it", B)"I can't help you because I knew this was a bad idea coming here"
I can't talk to others about it because of the nature of some of these problems she wants to keep private.
So I am stuck. My wife is beyond the end of her rope. I'm pretty close to the end of mine. I love her. She loves me. We're working on getting out of here... but we're stuck in these moments until it can be made to happen. 24236. wonkers2 - 7/20/2008 3:02:06 PM Sounds like a real rough patch. Hang in there. Sometimes it can be a mistake to press for a solution when one isn't apparent or within immediate reach. Take a deep breath and back off if you can. 24237. arkymalarky - 7/20/2008 5:29:37 PM That's true. And a third outside party can really help if you're both open to counseling. That's what sent Bob back to school to become a math teacher. And we went because I was having stress because the school I was working in was shut down by the state and Bob was in a job he hated. Since my dad was a professor he had a friend in the psychology dept who had a practice on the side, and he was a great help, testing us about our interests and concerns and working with us through where we were stuck to beyond it, so we began to move forward again. Mose was just a toddler back then, and Bob went back to school when she was about three or four. And none of us starved, nothing fell apart, and we're still together. Fear of the unknown is the most paralyzing types of fear, and counseling for us clarified that and helped us move forward with a plan and without a fear of doing it. It was hard living on my meager income ($13,700 a year) for four and a half years, but it was worth it. 24238. Ms. No - 7/20/2008 5:41:33 PM i3b3,
I'm sorry to hear things are getting sticky again. I agree with Wonkers --- sometimes you just have to ride it out and keep repeating to yourself "This time next year it'll all be settled."
In the event that you just need to vent and don't want advice - I know that an outpouring of frustration really isn't an invitation to meddle -- feel free to skip any advice that follows. In fact, I'll put it in white font so it's easier to scroll past. :->
However, if you need a little validation, what better place to expect it than among your friends here?
First off, how much longer is left in your year of service at your current job? If I remember correctly, it can't be all that much longer. You're more than six months in, right? This situation is not only not permanent or indefinite, but has a clear end in sight--- and it isn't all that far away. However long they may have wanted you for -- or thought they would have you for -- it is only necessary that you finish out the year so that you don't harm your future employment chances, right? So finish out the year.
Is your wife currently locked into her position? If not and she just can't handle living there anymore, how much time is left in your position to finish out the year? Could she move before you and begin looking for work in the NE? If it's just a couple of months, then maybe that will help her deal with things a little better. She'll be away from the region and the job she hates and moving forward on what she wants with the support of the rest of her family around her and that will take the pressure off of you to change things you can't or apologize for things you haven't done wrong.
This is the part that's really none of my business, but I'm going to put it out there anyway because it's early and I haven't had my daily serving of foot today.
Despite the fact that you made the move South to forward your career, your wife was part of that decision-making process. It's not like she said "No way," and then you tied her up and carted her down there anyway. This isn't something that you created all by yourself and did to her.
The fact that it isn't working out and is hard all around isn't helped by her pointing out that she told you so. In fact, "I told you so," is never helpful. It's generally used to gloat which isn't productive unless one is trying to hurt and alienate people. It's understandable that she might be feeling the need to lash out in her misery, but just because something is an understandable response doesn't make it a justified or reasonable response. --- I understand why my 3yo nephew pitches a tantrum when told "No," but that doesn't mean he's justified in doing so.
Sometimes we just have to get over it.
And after all of that unsolicited comment, really all I need to say is that I wish you well and I hope things get better soon.
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