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21347. thoughtful - 3/13/2007 5:46:16 PM Sometimes I hate people...why don't they just give you a straight answer.
Mother had me fax her biopsy report to her neighbor in FL who works at some lung clinic or other. She said, has anyone talked to your mother? Which immediately means, I'm not going to be the first one to tell her the bad news! She gave me NO information other than, I talked to one doctor and he said it doesn't look good...like what the hell is that suppposed to mean!
Then she proceeds to tell me how she went through the same thing with her father recently and how he died so quickly. Well that's helpful too. I have no idea if her father had the same stage of cancer or what. That response is neither hopeful nor helpful.
So I told her if there's anything she wants to tell me, she should just tell me. So she said, well, I want to talk to another doctor first.
Thank you very much.
I can take the bad news...I can take being told what to expect. What I can't take is hemming and hawing. Don't they realize regardless of if they say the words or not, it's not going to change the outcome? Don't they realize that whatever it is they don't want to say, we're going to have to LIVE through it...not just talk about it???
What is wrong with people?
21348. alistairconnor - 3/13/2007 6:17:26 PM Good grief. That's so stupid. If she's really been through the same thing with her father, surely she must realise how hurtful it is to you.
Some people get a thrill out of dramatizing things. 21349. wonkers2 - 3/13/2007 7:35:04 PM Many people are funny about discussing health issues. I have had health issues that I've discussed only with my wife. And I've had others that I've mentioned to our three children. Perhaps people worry that their relatives and friends reactions to them or relationships to them may change. Other people are only to ready to discuss all their health issues, major or minor, with whom ever is within earshot. 21350. wonkers2 - 3/13/2007 7:38:16 PM I had an aunt who died a couple of years ago at 101 who for years sent annual Christmas letters which consisted primarily of a recitation of her health problems from the preceding year. Although she was almost like a second mother to me, I reacted unfavorably to her habit of sharing her illnesses and hypochondria with everyone, and I'm disinclined to discuss my problems without a compelling reason to do so. 21351. wonkers2 - 3/13/2007 7:49:21 PM (My comment was not intended to be critical of thoughtful's reaction to her situation with her mother. If its any consolation, my mother was frequently exasperating to her children and care givers durning the last several years of her life.) 21352. thoughtful - 3/13/2007 7:55:56 PM AC, I understand that people have different personalities and some like me may want to know everything up front and others may want to do an ostrich, but once you tell the person you want to know everything, they should respond accordingly.
We meet with surgeon on friday and I intend to grill him on exactly what he did, exactly what they found. I understand that no one can predict individual outcome here, but at least he should give us a clue as to what we're going through.
I appreciate my SIL's oncologist more all the time. He laid it out very straight with us. This is what stage you are, and here are the odds you're facing. So much more helpful. So much more realistic. And the news was a lot worse for her than for my mom. She had 0% chance of making it 18 months. At least mom has a slim shot of making it 5 years.
21353. judithathome - 3/13/2007 9:40:11 PM Thoughtful, I'm torn about "hearing the worst and hearing it all" because we did hear the worst case scenario with my son and luckily, it was all shit...what they predicted was completely wrong.
He was in Stage 4 and at Thanksgiving, they said he might not last past Christmas...at Christmas, they said New Year's...and here we are, 35 years later with him still here.
What that information did was scare him and fix it in his mind so that every year, during that holiday season, he becomes depressed beyond belief.
Of course, back then the treatment he had was experimental so no one really knew what the result would be. But their prognosis was hedged heavily on the "worst case" side and it had the result of wrecking my marriage and plunging me into depression...his father, too...and wasn't helpful at all.
Not to compare what you and your mom are going through but sometimes, I think we'd have been better off had we been kept blissfully unaware. 21354. thoughtful - 3/13/2007 9:50:34 PM Well, as I said, some want to know and some don't. But mother and I want to know and will deal with the facts as we know them. But my larger point is, if someone wants to know, then medical personnel have an obligation to tell them and not pussyfoot around with, "has anyone else talked to you about this?" or "we can talk about that at our next meeting."
And frankly, while i'm miserable with the news, I'm delighted for as much warning as we've gotten as it means we still have time left to focus on appreciating each other and our relationship that much more, and not take the time we have left together for granted. 21355. judithathome - 3/13/2007 10:08:56 PM I'm delighted for as much warning as we've gotten as it means we still have time left to focus on appreciating each other and our relationship that much more, and not take the time we have left together for granted.
I think this is an excellent attitude and I wish you the very best with it... 21356. tmesis - 3/14/2007 2:22:41 PM thoughtful basically represents everything I've come to loathe in patients. 21357. tmesis - 3/14/2007 2:23:38 PM ... and their family members. 21358. alistairconnor - 3/14/2007 2:35:36 PM what, people who want to know what's going on?
Are you a "high priest" sort of doctor? 21359. tmesis - 3/14/2007 2:50:30 PM cf. 21286 and 21290 21360. alistairconnor - 3/14/2007 4:17:07 PM Thank you for being specific. Your post 21356 makes it sound like you loathe people who want to understand the diagnosis and life expectancy of themselves or their relatives.
Which is frankly weird.
But I'm sure you could be less cryptic and antipathetic if you wanted to. 21361. concerned - 3/14/2007 5:42:30 PM This is one reason I'm glad I'm not in the medical profession.
This isn't really germane to this discussion, but, in general, if the information could somehow be determined and made available, I wouldn't want to know the exact time I would die. Ideally, I would like to hear something such as that I would be alive and in decent health until such and such a time. That leaves a little open-endedness. 21362. thoughtful - 3/15/2007 8:42:30 PM tmesis, then i'm delighted you aren't my doctor.
thank you for your support. 21363. macnas - 3/16/2007 5:18:45 PM Hello motenaughts,
Everyone have the best St. Patricks day you can. 21364. TheWizardOfWhimsy - 3/16/2007 6:25:32 PM Thanks Macnas and a tip of the head to you as well!
21365. wonkers2 - 3/16/2007 11:37:03 PM I think tmesis must be a proctologist. 21366. alistairConnor - 3/17/2007 1:19:34 AM Eh Macnas, congratulations to your national cricket team, for its upset draw against Zimbabwe!
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