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22339. thoughtful - 7/31/2007 6:39:53 PM Thanks wabbit. It means a lot! 22340. wonkers2 - 7/31/2007 10:43:53 PM Sorry about your brother, Thoughtful and for the call from the evil woman who called you after his death. I'm sure you don't deserve the guilt trip she tried to lay on you.
22341. alistairConnor - 7/31/2007 10:50:35 PM People have to live their own lives, after all, and they have to go to hell their own way. It's sad that some people, as adults, get stuck in a rut of family relationships. It's not supposed to govern our lives. We're supposed to grow beyond it.
I'm really sorry Thoughtful, there are no short cuts to get through the suffering, but we're here to back you up. 22342. anomie - 7/31/2007 11:59:05 PM Sorry to read of your latest loss, Thoughtful. 22343. anomie - 8/1/2007 12:02:15 AM Ms No, Have you wrapped the play? Needless to say, I'm sorry I missed it. Had it worked out to go up to Sac, but after chasing down new credit cards (Mine were stolen in Rome), I was short on time. I was all set to rent a car and realised I didn't have a drivers license. After all that, and with the actual blisters on my feet, I didn't feel much like traveling. 22344. Jenerator - 8/1/2007 3:28:29 AM Thoughtful,
When my father died, his fiancee basically went into his condo and took everything. The three of us kids were left with virtually no personal momentos or pictures of him. Death (and weddings) bring out the best and worst in people. I am glad you're able to put this into perspective. You are an amazingly strong woman! 22345. thoughtful - 8/1/2007 2:20:59 PM Thanks so much for your kind words, wonks, ac, anomie & jen.
You're right, ac...people have to go to hell in their own way. I'm just trying to shuck the hell others have put on me. Normally, I'm pretty good at shaking it off, but this time, it's a lot harder...and that's what surprises me the most...that I'm struggling with it. I suppose though that I shouldn't be surprised. We've had so much bad news and it hasn't even been a year. Before I'm able to bounce back from the prior one, another one comes along. Something keeps opening up the same wound before it can heal. And my role has always been to be the strong one, to keep the rest of the family going in times of crisis. Funny, I'm not feeling particularly strong any more.
Eventually though, I'll run out of loved ones to worry about and then perhaps life will be simpler. As it is, my mother's been trying to get in touch with my uncle to tell him the news and hasn't heard back. He's in his 70s, arthritic and lives alone in another state with his wife who has severe alzheimers. Maybe just more bad news waiting for us....
22346. Ms. No - 8/1/2007 5:56:57 PM Ano,
Ai-yi-yi, sorry to hear about the credit card hassle. That's just an annoying thing to have to deal with. We're wrapping up this weekend -- they extended us a week which we were all really glad about. I'm going to be sad when it's all over. I've had a wonderful time. 22347. anomie - 8/1/2007 7:02:35 PM Well I guess that's good news for you then, Ms No...maybe the start of a new career. Sorry I missed you. 22348. Ms. No - 8/1/2007 7:36:56 PM Do let me know if you're ever in the area. I'd love to meet up for coffee! 22349. Magoseph - 8/2/2007 5:16:41 PM 
22350. Magoseph - 8/2/2007 5:18:08 PM Ah, families! 22351. thoughtful - 8/2/2007 6:48:55 PM Can't live with them and can't live without them... 22352. resonance - 8/2/2007 8:14:29 PM Oh, unfortunately we can live without them, it's just hard as hell learning how to do that.
I'm saddened to hear what you're going through, Thoughtful, and I realize any words I might be able to share wouldn't serve to console you. That kind of severe loss can make you question everything in life, it makes you feel like your soul will die of exposure. I'm so sorry for you.
I only have one trite saying that might help -- give this time. 22353. thoughtful - 8/2/2007 9:28:00 PM Thanks res, I appreciate your kind thoughts.
In one sense, I didn't like my brother enough to ever let him damage my soul in such a way.
Consolation is not really what I'm looking for...I'm looking for a way to put this and all the events with him over the past 50+ years into some kind of perspective so it will make sense to me in such a way that it becomes, I don't know, somehow tolerable. At this point, it isn't. It's a long and complicated story. I know I'll never completely understand him or his cross-wired thinking, but I'm hoping to at least gain enough insight that I'm 'comfortable' with his life story, including how it ended.
My dear doc recommended reading "the 5 people you meet in heaven" which I did. Actually I listened on tape and the tape ended with an interview with the author. He said for him, heaven is finally making sense of your life, and that's what he most hopes for when he dies...that he will finally understand what it was all about. I guess, in a sense, that's what I'm looking for now...a way to make sense of his life and to understand what it was all about. If that is truly 'heaven' that I'm seeking, then I may never find it...or at least not in this world. 22354. anomie - 8/2/2007 9:53:26 PM Thoughtful, this sounds so much like what some of my cousins are going through, trying to reconcile their feelings about their brother's suicide. He was a talented, smart, likable guy, but he was also irresponsible and never lived up to commitments. I know his eldest sister was burned by him financially more than once and that leaves emotional scars. To boot, she then sufferd the guilt of refusing him later in his life when he was down and out again. I don't mean to imply he was similar to your brother in anyway. I'm just commenting on the mixed emotions left in the aftermath of a suicide.
I hope you find the perspective you need. 22355. arkymalarky - 8/6/2007 12:25:57 AM The last of the company just left, and once again we had a great time. And a tamer one, thankfully. 22356. thoughtful - 8/6/2007 2:29:13 PM Thanks anomie...I can certainly relate to what your cousins are going through. 22357. thoughtful - 8/7/2007 6:12:34 PM Sigh.
I'm not bouncing back.
My resilience is shot.
I can't concentrate at work.
I'm afraid to be whole.
If I let it all go, I'm afraid I'll never get it back.
I need help. I'm going for help. It's not help enough...at least not yet.
I need to find a way to heal myself.
Talking to others gives me no relief.
I appreciate their kindness and their support, but it's not what I need.
Oh, to find a clear path out of these woods. I know it's there, I know I'll find it, but man, it's hard not seeing one's way clear.
And it's so disappointing that this of all things should affect me so. Of all things. To let him of all people have this kind of impact on me. It's simply wrong. I'm wrong to allow it.
But somehow, I can't help myself. At least not yet.
But I will.
He's not worth it. Especially not now.
I am. 22358. Ms. No - 8/7/2007 6:41:31 PM T'ful,
It is what it is and "should" never has much to do with feelings which is why they are so maddening. Talk therapy is great for a lot of things, but sometimes there's truly nothing to talk about and what you really need is chemical assistance to get out of the mental rut that's bringing you down.
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