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24010. judithathome - 5/1/2008 7:52:12 PM Muguet des Bois...that's it, Alistair.
Magos, all I had to do was "ride" carefully in the huge pick-up truck that feels as safe as a tank...my son is good driver.
The ENT doctor found nothing wrong with my son's airway...he made a CD for the neurosurgeon showing the proper way to insert the breathing tube. Leslie said the doctor was about 35 years old!
24011. judithathome - 5/1/2008 7:54:00 PM And by the way, I had to hang up so abruptly yesterday, Magos, because Harley came running into the garden room with her helium balloon on a long string and it got loose and wrapped itself into the ceiling fan...while it was ON! Scared her...and me...to death! 24012. iiibbb - 5/2/2008 2:26:30 PM So another "fight" with my wife yesterday and this morning.
So we've been working on an exit strategy to leave this place which she hates and I don't like. Her employers are making very strong overtures to her, and she's making pretty strong statements back. Although my prospects are not clear, I'm ok with this plan. I figure we'll work it out. Things have been good with my wife and I since we settled on this plan.
Well, I called a colleague that I'm working on a paper with at the university where I was just at. My wife and I have always said we'd love to go back. They're advertising a job that I didn't think I'd have a chance for because it's been such a short time since I left. Well, he said I should think about it. There's no telling how it might play out.
So I mention this conversation to my wife and we're back into the old argument. I was/am flabbergasted. She says I don't listen or care about her career aspirations. I tried to say that this is a new piece of information and I'm just putting it out there. If she wants to take it off the table because she's made such strong commitments (she gave it an (80-85%) then I'm ok with it, but I hate the way this always melts down into an argument about how we got here in the first place.
I get frustrated because in this case I'm trying to prevent myself making the mistake that got us here by making sure I tell her whats going on so that we can make a decision about whatever.
When we fight I get depressed because in a way I feel this situation is mostly my fault. But I also feel I had zero options by the time I took this job. I'm nervous about the uncertainty of being able to find work for myself in the area where her prospective employers are.
She says she doesn't understand why I feel all this pressure.
And since we have an exit strategy, I don't understand why she still feels so angry. 24013. iiibbb - 5/2/2008 2:26:38 PM
And the biggest problem is that she doesn't want to talk about it. It doesn't help. Apparently the things that I say during these discussions just indicate to her that I don't hear the things that she tells me... which just makes her angry.
I just want to be able to put anything on the table and discuss how it might affect us so that I don't put myself in this position again. She doesn't want to feel guilty for vetoing a job opportunity. I hate that our relationship is so heavily influenced by her anger and guilt. It should be about making decisions together and trying to find out what works for both of us. This is what frustrates me the most about her being angry. The best way to avoid it is to hash this stuff out, but she gets angry and doesn't want to talk about it at all. Talk about a catch-22.
Sigh...
I am having a heck of a time figuring out to break through this anger issue. I don't understand why she can't grant me my unsettled feelings given the pressure that I am under to make something work out for myself up there. I am so willing and committed to try to make it work. I haven't found the path yet so I get worried. 24014. iiibbb - 5/2/2008 2:30:38 PM She thinks that my worries are borne of following her career. It doesn't matter how many times I say I'm willing to follow her career... happy to.
The main thing that bugs me and keeps bugging me is that right now I don't feel like I can say what I need to say to her... we just wind up on this loop of how she's angry that she's here.... well we have an exit strategy.... so why can't we put something on the table and work it out? 24015. iiibbb - 5/2/2008 3:33:04 PM To add insult to injury... it looks like her job here might be falling through. She was supposed to start in July. 24016. iiibbb - 5/2/2008 3:33:21 PM I cannot catch a break. 24017. Wombat - 5/2/2008 3:38:41 PM "hashing stuff out" when the other person does not feel like doing so will simply increase conflict/anger. Chill out about it, and let things move along.
You both have a lot on your minds, with guilt issues all around. There is little point to discussing things that appear to be mostly speculative, before they have had a chance to resolve themselves further. It just gives you both additional things to worry about, and additional triggers for conflict. 24018. wonkers2 - 5/2/2008 3:52:32 PM Dual careers complicate marriages. It was simpler in the old days when wives stayed home and raised the kids, cooked and kept house and husbands mowed the lawn and carried out the garbage. I'm not suggesting it was better, only simpler. 24019. iiibbb - 5/2/2008 4:25:44 PM I am formulating my response.
As of now there is nothing that I can do until this New England job happens or doesn't happen. Anything I do either jeopardizes that, my marriage, or my reputation.
Once she has a clear picture of the situation up there, then I can build from that. It's just too risky for me to try to be proactive at this point. 24020. iiibbb - 5/2/2008 4:28:06 PM I am really depressed... and it depresses more because she gets angry that I get upset. She says that I'm the one that has a great careerer job so far. Unfortunately what she fails to realize is that I can't stay there as long as needed to make it work for me. 24021. anomie - 5/2/2008 4:50:26 PM iiibbb: Somewhere in all this, and with whatever else might be smoldering, hidden or unsaid, you have a right to your own expections of what kind of support and compromise you need and want from the relationship. I wouldn't take sole responsibility for figuring it all out if it were me. 24022. iiibbb - 5/2/2008 6:28:23 PM Anomie--
I agree that I don't have sole ownership of how the past 18 months have played out. However, perception is reality. She has some anger about how the past 18 months have gone down. I think it clouds her perceptions a bit, and basically I have a credibility issue with her because I said I would never take this job, but in the end I did (although I did because the situation changed a lot)... still I said "never" and it happened.
However, I think I have managed to dispelled the tension somewhat... and maybe buy back some credibility.
I basically told her that for the time being I am just going to go into a holding pattern. I can't apply to this opportunity at our old hometown because it jeopardizes her opportunity in New England, us living together, and my reputation here. I basically can't do anything proactive until we know for certain what this New England opportunity really amounts to.
She calmed way down.
All I want to do is to be able to talk about stuff without getting the anger and the wall that I've been getting. We're here. It's done. I did the best I could. People make mistakes. That's the past. We have an exit strategy. It's time to dump the anger so we can work on the future. 24023. judithathome - 5/2/2008 8:09:14 PM Apparently the things that I say during these discussions just indicate to her that I don't hear the things that she tells me... which just makes her angry.
Welcome to Marriage 101...it is and was ever thus. Men and women react differently to what they "hear" from one another. Usually, women hear far more from a man than what is actually said. Don't ever forget that and you might be able to weather this storm. 24024. judithathome - 5/2/2008 8:15:27 PM And I probably have no right to ask this or to assume it has bearing but whose career brings in the most money? To my eyes, that should be the one to defer to...sounds elitist, for sure, but if your career is very much specific and hard to settle in and makes the highest salary, and hers is less complicated and more easily accommodated, then I think the deference should be to you in the choices.
Feminists, back off and don't start the charcoal for roasting me alive...I will feel the same if her career path is the one most difficult.
Because, as Mick Jagger says, we don't always get what we want.
....sounding like Ulgine here! 24025. anomie - 5/2/2008 8:17:40 PM How true, Judith. Wish I'd really understood that when I was younger, but I had the attitude that I was always (well usually) right. And I probably was. But I was too unwise to know that sometimes it just didn't matter who was right. 24026. stamper2 - 5/2/2008 8:24:08 PM i figured it was ‘bout time I signified to you good folks I ain’t kicked the bucket-oh no I’m still just kicking life in the you know what jest like always and I want youse to know ole al davis is still more or less o.k. His big problem is he’s taken this election a mite to serious. He don’t cotton to any of the 3 of em. I keep telling him chill out man none of them is all that bad. it’s just like sack in the ‘90’s when old Bill was kicken up a bunch of fuss. For all the fussing about willie what ever came of it. Well i’m plum tuckered out with all this pavaler see ya later crocadile
24027. iiibbb - 5/2/2008 8:43:31 PM She's a statitician... she could make double what I make if she took the right(wrong) job.
As it is we've traded, but she has more flexibility and more income potential. I took this because it was a chance for me to get my foot in the door in the federal system.
Pay is one part of the equation. Flexibility is the second... but now the deal here has become poisoned. I'm not sure if I am in a position to try to work for stopgap. I think this has pushed her over the edge as far as going for her federal opportunity.
Whether I can work something out for myself is a big question mark. I am personally more willing to be a bad fit for a job in order for us to be together, but I have far less opportunities. My field can be pretty closed if you haven't worked in an area, it's hard to break into new areas.
This sucks. I didn't want to stay in this job forever, and planned for it to be a bridge to better opportunities, but this is going to really force me to pull the cord prematurely.
Hopefully her "connections" care enough about her working for them that they're going to canvas for me... but I get mixed signals on that front. 24028. anomie - 5/2/2008 9:29:02 PM I'm a rebel without a Costco mark. I bought one small item and saw the long check-receipt line at Costco, so I just started to walk past the line and out the door. This lady yells at me, "Sir! You have to get your receipt marked.". I pointed at the long line and said I wasn't waiting. She insisted and said that I was standing right next to the guy with the marker. Was she suggesting I cut in front of the long line? I pointed at the line, "I'm not waiting in THAT". And I walked right out. No alarms went off. No SWAT team converged on me. As I left, the woman hollared, "have a nice day!"
If she was an employee, she should have grabbed a marker and cut that line in half. 24029. stamper2 - 5/2/2008 9:39:02 PM i tried to put all this on inferno but no box to post. ireckon it's time to let you all to know i aint kicked the bucket but still kicking life in the you know where. and ole al da vis is pretty good to even if he is a mite troubled by all this election fuss. he don't cotton to any of these fine folks jest running there legs off for the presidente. mostly he's upset by this osama fellow. i don't really suspicion it's his race, which is hard to figure out since i here his mommie was white & his daddy an african. what got him all lathered up-ole al that is- is this rev. right. hell, i can't see sitting listening to that preacheer for 20 years had any effect. listening to preachers didn't have much effect on ole bill fer as i can see. well i'm plume tuckered out getten all this writ so so long fer now. i'll check on you all later
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