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24016. iiibbb - 5/2/2008 3:33:21 PM I cannot catch a break. 24017. Wombat - 5/2/2008 3:38:41 PM "hashing stuff out" when the other person does not feel like doing so will simply increase conflict/anger. Chill out about it, and let things move along.
You both have a lot on your minds, with guilt issues all around. There is little point to discussing things that appear to be mostly speculative, before they have had a chance to resolve themselves further. It just gives you both additional things to worry about, and additional triggers for conflict. 24018. wonkers2 - 5/2/2008 3:52:32 PM Dual careers complicate marriages. It was simpler in the old days when wives stayed home and raised the kids, cooked and kept house and husbands mowed the lawn and carried out the garbage. I'm not suggesting it was better, only simpler. 24019. iiibbb - 5/2/2008 4:25:44 PM I am formulating my response.
As of now there is nothing that I can do until this New England job happens or doesn't happen. Anything I do either jeopardizes that, my marriage, or my reputation.
Once she has a clear picture of the situation up there, then I can build from that. It's just too risky for me to try to be proactive at this point. 24020. iiibbb - 5/2/2008 4:28:06 PM I am really depressed... and it depresses more because she gets angry that I get upset. She says that I'm the one that has a great careerer job so far. Unfortunately what she fails to realize is that I can't stay there as long as needed to make it work for me. 24021. anomie - 5/2/2008 4:50:26 PM iiibbb: Somewhere in all this, and with whatever else might be smoldering, hidden or unsaid, you have a right to your own expections of what kind of support and compromise you need and want from the relationship. I wouldn't take sole responsibility for figuring it all out if it were me. 24022. iiibbb - 5/2/2008 6:28:23 PM Anomie--
I agree that I don't have sole ownership of how the past 18 months have played out. However, perception is reality. She has some anger about how the past 18 months have gone down. I think it clouds her perceptions a bit, and basically I have a credibility issue with her because I said I would never take this job, but in the end I did (although I did because the situation changed a lot)... still I said "never" and it happened.
However, I think I have managed to dispelled the tension somewhat... and maybe buy back some credibility.
I basically told her that for the time being I am just going to go into a holding pattern. I can't apply to this opportunity at our old hometown because it jeopardizes her opportunity in New England, us living together, and my reputation here. I basically can't do anything proactive until we know for certain what this New England opportunity really amounts to.
She calmed way down.
All I want to do is to be able to talk about stuff without getting the anger and the wall that I've been getting. We're here. It's done. I did the best I could. People make mistakes. That's the past. We have an exit strategy. It's time to dump the anger so we can work on the future. 24023. judithathome - 5/2/2008 8:09:14 PM Apparently the things that I say during these discussions just indicate to her that I don't hear the things that she tells me... which just makes her angry.
Welcome to Marriage 101...it is and was ever thus. Men and women react differently to what they "hear" from one another. Usually, women hear far more from a man than what is actually said. Don't ever forget that and you might be able to weather this storm. 24024. judithathome - 5/2/2008 8:15:27 PM And I probably have no right to ask this or to assume it has bearing but whose career brings in the most money? To my eyes, that should be the one to defer to...sounds elitist, for sure, but if your career is very much specific and hard to settle in and makes the highest salary, and hers is less complicated and more easily accommodated, then I think the deference should be to you in the choices.
Feminists, back off and don't start the charcoal for roasting me alive...I will feel the same if her career path is the one most difficult.
Because, as Mick Jagger says, we don't always get what we want.
....sounding like Ulgine here! 24025. anomie - 5/2/2008 8:17:40 PM How true, Judith. Wish I'd really understood that when I was younger, but I had the attitude that I was always (well usually) right. And I probably was. But I was too unwise to know that sometimes it just didn't matter who was right. 24026. stamper2 - 5/2/2008 8:24:08 PM i figured it was ‘bout time I signified to you good folks I ain’t kicked the bucket-oh no I’m still just kicking life in the you know what jest like always and I want youse to know ole al davis is still more or less o.k. His big problem is he’s taken this election a mite to serious. He don’t cotton to any of the 3 of em. I keep telling him chill out man none of them is all that bad. it’s just like sack in the ‘90’s when old Bill was kicken up a bunch of fuss. For all the fussing about willie what ever came of it. Well i’m plum tuckered out with all this pavaler see ya later crocadile
24027. iiibbb - 5/2/2008 8:43:31 PM She's a statitician... she could make double what I make if she took the right(wrong) job.
As it is we've traded, but she has more flexibility and more income potential. I took this because it was a chance for me to get my foot in the door in the federal system.
Pay is one part of the equation. Flexibility is the second... but now the deal here has become poisoned. I'm not sure if I am in a position to try to work for stopgap. I think this has pushed her over the edge as far as going for her federal opportunity.
Whether I can work something out for myself is a big question mark. I am personally more willing to be a bad fit for a job in order for us to be together, but I have far less opportunities. My field can be pretty closed if you haven't worked in an area, it's hard to break into new areas.
This sucks. I didn't want to stay in this job forever, and planned for it to be a bridge to better opportunities, but this is going to really force me to pull the cord prematurely.
Hopefully her "connections" care enough about her working for them that they're going to canvas for me... but I get mixed signals on that front. 24028. anomie - 5/2/2008 9:29:02 PM I'm a rebel without a Costco mark. I bought one small item and saw the long check-receipt line at Costco, so I just started to walk past the line and out the door. This lady yells at me, "Sir! You have to get your receipt marked.". I pointed at the long line and said I wasn't waiting. She insisted and said that I was standing right next to the guy with the marker. Was she suggesting I cut in front of the long line? I pointed at the line, "I'm not waiting in THAT". And I walked right out. No alarms went off. No SWAT team converged on me. As I left, the woman hollared, "have a nice day!"
If she was an employee, she should have grabbed a marker and cut that line in half. 24029. stamper2 - 5/2/2008 9:39:02 PM i tried to put all this on inferno but no box to post. ireckon it's time to let you all to know i aint kicked the bucket but still kicking life in the you know where. and ole al da vis is pretty good to even if he is a mite troubled by all this election fuss. he don't cotton to any of these fine folks jest running there legs off for the presidente. mostly he's upset by this osama fellow. i don't really suspicion it's his race, which is hard to figure out since i here his mommie was white & his daddy an african. what got him all lathered up-ole al that is- is this rev. right. hell, i can't see sitting listening to that preacheer for 20 years had any effect. listening to preachers didn't have much effect on ole bill fer as i can see. well i'm plume tuckered out getten all this writ so so long fer now. i'll check on you all later 24030. anomie - 5/2/2008 10:49:37 PM So, what's hard to figure out about his race? Seems you got it figured. 24031. arkymalarky - 5/3/2008 1:30:37 AM Like a lot of other old people I know, I don't imagine he sounded so unreasonable 20 years ago. He's over 80. Plus, there are lots of valuable people in the world who say wacky shit.
Great to see you back, stunp!! 24032. robertjayb - 5/3/2008 2:47:31 AM Hey, arky...
Got storms? 24033. arkymalarky - 5/3/2008 3:16:15 AM Yes we did, as a matter of fact! Our prom is tonight, and a colleague was taking a couple of students from the high school building to the cafeteria, where the prom will be held, to see the decorations (they are AWESOME--no kidding), and as they headed out the door there was a tornado, still in the air, thankfully. So we all head off to the hall, to the immense irritation of the prom preparers and sponsors. It hit a couple of miles from the school, but fortunately didn't get any houses--just lots of trees. And the decorations got done in time, and Mose, who's a sponsor, called from there about thirty minutes ago and said it's a great success. 24034. arkymalarky - 5/3/2008 3:18:21 AM This is really not too uncommon a deal in our school in the last few years. Our global warming gas guzzling dollars at work, I guess. Five years ago a tornado warning was a rare and frightening thing. We're actually getting too complacent about them, imo. 24035. iiibbb - 5/3/2008 5:19:36 AM Hurricanes may become more prevalent with global warming, but tornadoes have been the same... at least according to the last thing I read.
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