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26888. concerned - 5/1/2012 4:25:48 PM I have a suggestion that might help, but I'm pretty sure it would be taken wrongly. 26889. Wombat - 5/1/2012 4:29:45 PM Speaking as someone with a parent who suffers from dementia, don't worry about it. Make sure that someone in the family has a durable power of attorney, if your FiL is no longer capable of managing his affairs. Should also investigate what it would take to have him legally declared incapable, if you all haven't already done so. Just remember that in time he will forget, and it only gets worse. 26890. iiibbb - 5/1/2012 8:38:13 PM help and taken wrongly seems incongruous from the outset. If you can't pick words that says something helpful in a sensitive way, is it really that helpful?
MiL and wife have POAs. Dr has said he's not compitant to drive. It was right to take the car away. If he could get it running who knows what damage. There are a lot of recent dents from him hitting things. Plus the brakes were shot.
He is fixated on leaving. I think it's the fight or flight instinct. He can't remember a 2minute conversation, but has seemed to retain the fact the car wandered off and was replaced by mine "on loan".
Caught a bit, I am. 26891. concerned - 5/1/2012 9:06:14 PM Re. 26890 -
I think it could be very helpful, but you have to promise to take it as well meant advice beforehand, unless it obviously isn't when I post it. I'm a prime victim of the 'no good deed goes unpunished' maxim. 26892. Wombat - 5/1/2012 9:10:29 PM From what I've heard, some Alzheimer's sufferers like to wander in a seemingly aimless fashion. Some of the newer homes for Alzheimers are set up in such a way that the patients can wander, but never actually go anywhere, as the "course" is circular.
"Fortunately," my mom's form of dementia features physiological manifestations akin to Parkinsons', so other than some uncoordinated thrashing, she can't actually leave her bed. 26893. concerned - 5/1/2012 9:11:29 PM Here's an example at work, just over the last few months. I came up with a circuit idea improvement and spent several tens of hours simulating it, based on my boss's orders. However, I was still met with a lot of skepticism from other electronic engineers, so with my own money I bought the necessary parts and built and tested it in such a way that it was clear that it was at least as good as I claimed.
My reward? My boss then told me that he had commanded me not to build it, even though he had never said any such thing, and even though I spent a tenth of the time actually proving it's worth coimpared to all the time used by following his orders to simulate it over and over again.
This is the kind of thing I am talking about. 26894. iiibbb - 5/1/2012 9:19:37 PM seeing as we have an annonymous relationship con'd. you have little to fear. I'm pragmatic as well.
So other than being crtical of what I do in a no-win scenario... I doubt there's much you could say that would affect it much. 26895. concerned - 5/1/2012 9:23:22 PM Ok -
my idea is: why not knock a few dings out & get an inexpensive paint job in another color?
Then you might be able to get away with suggesting to your FiL that you liked his car so much that you got one just like it. 26896. iiibbb - 5/1/2012 9:24:25 PM I think he knows at some level something is wrong, and he wants to escape. He gets cabin fever something awful. He says he thinks he's fine. BiL lives there, but he can be best described as not helpful.
I stay in the house once a week for my current telecommutimg gig. We're moving in July... nevermind the stress of disrupting our careers to shoehorn this arrangement...
did i mention we're expecting now? 26897. concerned - 5/1/2012 9:31:26 PM I'm sorry your FiL has dementia - I can imagine how awful that would be for the victim and his family.
Just by coincidence, I have been reading a John D. MacDonald book for the last few days which has a head of a family suffering from Alzheimer's, so I was already thinking about such things. Plus my father is 82, and fortunately, he appears to have no signs, but I remember a great grandmother (from my Dad's side) who lived with us for a year or two when I was a teenager. Not only did she get my bedroom, she would never talk to me. My mom later said that her problem was more that she was depressed than anything else because she had no immediate family left. 26898. iiibbb - 5/1/2012 10:00:24 PM lol coc'd... you worried for naught.
The thought crossed my mind. Unfortunately, it's the absence of his car that is the source of stress for him.
26899. thoughtful - 5/2/2012 2:07:27 AM Alzheimer's is a terrible disease. You never know what they will fixate on or for how long. The problem is you are seeking a rational solution that will work with an irrational mind....there is none. Just go with it. Tell him as any times as you need to, you gave it to me to use and I so appreciate your generosity....making them the good guy always helps.
MIL had dementia and if she asked hubby and name once, she asked a thousand times, "are you two married?" 26900. iiibbb - 5/2/2012 2:30:13 PM I read this one on the internet... this seems like a good way to do it.
"This is what I did for my mom who had Alzheimer's. I contacted the Dept. of Motor Vehicles and got a form off the internet to fill out for the DMV. They then contacted my mom saying they were randomly checking drivers and she had to come in to be tested. If she didn't come in her license would automatically be suspended. She felt she couldn't pass the drivers written or driving test so she didn't want to go in. This takes it from your shoulders and puts it directly between the DMV and your parent. It's all done confidentially." 26901. wabbit - 5/6/2012 1:52:19 AM I'm sorry to hear about your FiL, iiibbb. My paternal grandmother had Alzheimer's, she eventually wound up in a nursing home. My father has some mild dementia, but nothing severe yet.
Congratulations on the pregnancy, is your son excited? 26902. iiibbb - 5/6/2012 4:10:33 AM My son only says "there's a baby in there"... I don't think it's hit home yet. 26903. arkymalarky - 5/6/2012 1:39:54 PM Yes, 3i, congrats on the pregnancy! 26904. arkymalarky - 5/6/2012 1:47:24 PM I had some way cool old women neighbors for a while all over this "neighborhood." they lived alone in their country houses as widows, mostly, tho two or three had never married. They were all in their 80s or 90s and driving. One, Annie Maude, had a son named Woody, and she was always griping that he wouldn't fix her car. I know he didn't want her driving it and had probably taken a part out and told her it was broken. Don't know that that would work for someone with Alzheimer's. A close friend's mother died of it in her 50s, but she declined and died so fast, there was no question with her. She couldn't stay home. 26905. iiibbb - 5/6/2012 3:28:30 PM I wish could appreciate it more.
P's job is being very aloof about whether/how her job will continue after we move in July. Now they're saying they're going to let her go (they had previously said they could keep the job going for a year.... then 6 months....) now they're not even being that up front about whether they'll be able to contract work.
I so hope those motherfuckers get screwed if they can't make something work. There are a plethora of analyses only she can do to write the reports they need - and yet they are hanging her out to dry.
Last week her boss was trying to act like P's been threatening to leave since she started the job - when in fact she's said that since I've been having trouble finding work she wasn't sure. I waited as long as I dared; and they collectively knew I was having trouble. Her boss was even threatening to fire her after the first baby. It's f'ing rediculous.
Now my wife just went out the door laying a heavy load of guilt on me because she's "the only one getting screwed".
I can't take this shit. I'm not exactly sitting on easy street... I'm in a term job with no guarantees struggling with family issues and haven't had the energy to work as hard as I could be working.
When I'm there I'm dealing with the job and getting the inlaws and dealing with my FiL
When I'm home I'm picking up a huge amount of slack trying to watch the boy and make up for the fact she was a pregnant single mother for a couple of nights.
She's running herself into the ground trying to do quality work for her employers and they don't deserve it... but she is still woefully passive about how they treat her because she doesn't want to make waves.
I so hope those motherfuckers regret losing her when they do. They do not know --- what's sad is they may never care because they will probably be content doing it wrong. 26906. arkymalarky - 5/6/2012 3:52:41 PM Don't know what to say except hang in there. Work stresses and transitions and uncertainty are stressful enough without family issues on top of them. Employers don't value their good people enough in lean times. I spent much of my career in a teaching shortage. Now teachers are treated like dirt in lots of places. But there will be famine again for employers and they'll just wish for the talent pool they're pushing out of the profession today. 26907. thoughtful - 5/7/2012 4:24:15 AM Isbs, congrats on the new one to come.
Seems to be there are quite a number of things that have been difficult in your life and it seems you are always catching hell for it, even if you have nothing to do with it.
Remember only you can make yourself feel guilty about something. If you choose not to participate then you won't.
Time to meditate and get in touch with your authentic self. We are spirits having a human experience which necessarily includes death, illness and suffering. We need to remember the past and not let it control us...celebrate the present as it is all we have...reimagine the future as it is how we fulfill our destiny.
Namaste.
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