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28683. arkymalarky - 7/22/2015 10:52:13 PM We've been struggling the last week or so. We were an hour into our trip to Colorado when we got a phone call that Stan's brother had collapsed, we turned around and headed back, and he died of a massive heart attack before we could get home. I hadn't felt like posting about it, and its been crazy because now Stan is in charge of all of his mother's affairs, including thinning all the pines, and I've never seen him this sad. His brother was his best buddy, but he hadn't been to see him when he was sick with pneumonia about a week before he had the heart attack, and everybody was leaning so hard on his brother in so many ways because since she was a little boy he had always been the family ambassador and as an adult after Stan's father died the family anchor, especially after Stan's mother had to go to the nursing home and he became her power of attorney. We're going to go to Colorado for about a week, but that's strictly to preserve our sanity by getting away from the chaos for a few days. It won't be the fun trip we were planning. I've felt so much for people who have suffered loss in the mote over the years, especially Judith, but since I've been on the mote this is the first real grief we've had to deal with. Stan father's death was a release from a lot of suffering. With Stan's brother, there's a lot of questions about how we could have done things differently to ease some of the burden on him and Stan wishes that he had gone up to see him. They had spent a lot of time together and talked on the phone a lot, but he got over the pneumonia and Stan thought he was okay, so We left without seeing him. 28684. judithathome - 7/23/2015 12:09:41 AM Arky, I am soooo sorry to read this...sending both Stan and you our heartfelt condolences.
I know it won't help but I think it was more connected to the bout of pneumonia than stress. 28685. arkymalarky - 7/23/2015 12:25:58 AM Thanks Judith. That really means a lot. I think the pneumonia was symptomatic of of a weakened system on his part. He had had diabetes very very badly, and although he had gotten his blood sugar under control I think his organs had been severely damaged before he was diagnosed. He's one of those who just never wanted to go to the doctor for anything, and he hid pain and health issues rather than getting them checked out. By the time he had his diabetes diagnosed his a1c was higher than the charts went. The dr tried to save him and said his arteries were just too clogged and his heart was just too damaged from the strength of the attack. Its a family thing, and Stan got marched to the doctor today. He's having a stress test before we go to Colorado. 28686. wabbit - 7/23/2015 2:50:06 PM Arky, I am so sorry to hear about Stan's brother, you both have my most sincere condolences. 28687. arkymalarky - 7/23/2015 3:50:22 PM Thank you Wabbit. I'm going to post some more details, because I know you're entering a similar situation. Your support network is very different, which means your burden is going to be a lot heavier. You are the David (my BIL) of your family.
Stan is going to meet with timber people about cutting the trees today. He and David were looking into that before David died. He is doing better, transitioning everything to his name, and he lives a lot closer. Managing my MIL is now to her assets, not money. He also made his sister first call for the nursing home which will help immensely. Stan made a grim statement a year ago that his mother's illness was going to kill her children before her. They're not exactly the picture of health. After David, who looked perfectly healthy to outside observers, other three are starting to take that comment more seriously. I've been saying for awhile that they need to handle this situation differently and I'm going to be very protective and supportive of Stan in his new role. I told him that we can't stop living our own lives because of this.
David had so many responsibilities before he died--that was always his personality and he loved them up until he got sick and had to face his diabetes about three years ago. Stan only has that part involving his mother. David's church, wife, and (grown) children will have to adjust and it will be hard. Thankfully, they're wonderful strong people.
I told a friend of mine that no one expects the person they lean on the most to just fall over, but it stands to reason that that's what would happen. And no one expects to be the one who falls over. I'm sure David didn't. With his family history and his bad health, he was a ticking time bomb. The thing was, to everyone else he didn't look like it. He wasn't overweight. He was very active and strong. His blood sugar was down. But he was having serious symptoms and suffering a lot of pain and fatigue before the pneumonia. The way he found out he had diabetes was when he tried to get life insurance and they turned him down. He wouldn't have been looking for life insurance had he not known he was really sick. Stan is incredibly sad, but he feels guilty that he didn't take on more. But you can't respond to what you don't know about. 28688. judithathome - 7/23/2015 5:21:36 PM Well, I hate to bring this up but this sentence: He wouldn't have been looking for life insurance had he not known he was really sick is definitely a cautionary tale. One should think about life insurance while they are young, healthy, and don't really need it. 28689. arkymalarky - 7/23/2015 6:07:41 PM True. And he didn't really need it more than just getting concerned about how he felt, I think. He had zero debt, good retirement, and t-drop money from teaching (a lot). His wife will be fine financially. But he must have felt something he didn't share with anyone to have blood sugar that high and that made him act atypically from what he ever had. 28690. judithathome - 7/23/2015 8:37:21 PM Well, I am just a fan of getting life insurance while young and healthy. Amazing how much it adds up over the years...for very little strain on one's budget. 28691. vonKreedon - 7/24/2015 3:05:41 AM So sorry for your family's loss, Arky. 28692. arkymalarky - 7/24/2015 4:01:46 AM Thank you Vk! 28693. Ms. No - 7/25/2015 7:07:40 PM Arky,
I can only imagine how devastated Stan must be. I'm so sorry for your family's loss. 28694. arkymalarky - 7/25/2015 7:40:08 PM Thank you, dear No. Stan has been so touched by everyone. 28695. thoughtful - 7/29/2015 1:40:34 PM Arky, I'm so sorry for your loss. There's never an easy way to go...suddenly is harder on the family, slowly is harder on the person. But you must not let Stan blame himself. As one who has lost 3 immediate family members to suicide, I know about self blame. But I recognize that a moment is made up of a million tiny choices and random acts made over generations that lead to that specific outcome, and that no one person has the power to alter the consequence of all those decisions and random events. Instead we must accept the reality of what is, that it was meant to be as it is. Each and every meaningful event becomes a pathway to the future....our intended future.
I've found what Rumi said about suffering to be helpful, at least for me where I am now. "Don't turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you."
My deepest sympathies to you and your family. 28696. judithathome - 7/29/2015 5:23:15 PM Beautifully expressed, Thoughtful. 28697. thoughtful - 7/29/2015 6:28:26 PM Thank you, J@h. Unfortunately, life has made me somewhat expert in grief. 28698. judithathome - 7/29/2015 7:08:21 PM I hear you....but I think MY heart has been somewhat hardened. 28699. arkymalarky - 7/29/2015 11:01:02 PM What a beautiful and helpful post Thoughtful! Stan read it and it really means a lot people who have been there sharing what helped them. Thank you! 28700. arkymalarky - 7/30/2015 1:03:06 AM We're at the Colorado cabin processing everything and preparing to dive into a lot of new responsibilities when we get home. 28701. thoughtful - 7/30/2015 12:15:40 PM but I think MY heart has been somewhat hardened
Now that is a reason for grieving.... 28702. thoughtful - 8/4/2015 4:20:15 PM I don't remember who or when, but oh so many years ago, someone posted a pic of this beautiful room on the water I think in Vancouver. Anyway I can find it again without searching through decades of posts?
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