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5063. arkymalarky - 12/11/2013 12:06:44 AM 20 miles from Boulder in an 8500 ft mountaintop town called Wondervu.
I love my in laws, I do, but in 32 years there are people who grate, with different degrees of intent. I am usually just direct, which tends to throw them off. One time SIL said something to make Stan mad. She knows her brother's buttons and when she's pushing them, but she turned to me and asked why he was mad. I told her she knew full well what she did and there was no point asking me, then I turned and continued the conversation I was having. She and I get along well, but I'm about the only one in the fam she never gigs. 5064. arkymalarky - 12/11/2013 12:09:01 AM Stan's dad always said kill 'em with kindness. And he truly did. You couldn't be catty with my FIL and not come out looking and feeling like a heel, so it just never happened. 5065. judithathome - 12/11/2013 2:14:20 AM Why do you HAVE to be around this person, Jen? Even if you have to be at the same event, can't you just ignore her remarks...walk out of the room when she's talking, etc?
If she comes early, you arrive late...surely you can ignore someone for an afternoon.
Seriously...if you don't want to interact with someone, even in a family/holiday situation, there are ways to avoid them.
Or....face her down, point out what a miserable person she is in front of everyone, and you'll never be invited back...! Problem solved!
5066. Jenerator - 12/11/2013 11:42:29 PM We have to stay at their house a night after Christmas. :(
It's just a bad situation that I would rather avoid, but can't. 5067. judithathome - 12/12/2013 12:01:55 AM Why? Are there no motels nearby? 5068. judithathome - 12/12/2013 12:05:25 AM Jen, you can avoid anything you wish to avoid....you're a strong woman and if you REALLY wish to take control of a situation, you can do so.
I'm telling you this as someone who has decided that in my life, I'm not taking shit off ANYONE ever again.
It's a great feeling....seriously. 5069. thoughtful - 12/14/2013 1:51:31 AM When you reach a certain age...whatever that is...you can afford to be curmudgeonly. However, when you are younger, you know that you are looking ahead at years of necessary interaction and comity for the sakes of those you love who may be hurt by your intolerance. So you bite your tongue, put up and shut up and know that the time together with the other will be short-lived at best. You also spend time thinking about what has led them to need to take pleasure in the suffering of others and realize it is from their own insecurities. So you find that they are worthy of pity.
When my MIL used to get testy with me, I learned to hug her and tell her that love her. Shut her up every time. 5070. wabbit - 12/15/2013 6:39:06 PM Thoughtful is right, you may be stuck with the 'put up and shut up' for a while. I bit my tongue for years with my family (note - that's MY family not the inlaws). Now I just avoid the various gatherings and stay home. The cats and I had a lovely Thanksgiving and I expect Christmas to be just as peaceful. 5071. arkymalarky - 12/15/2013 6:54:50 PM Ages of the kids in the fam makes a difference. I use the analogy of the card table in English class a lot. When you're a kid on holidays you sit at the card table with your cousins and are sheltered from adult realities. You have no clue half of the adults there hate the other half. 5072. wabbit - 12/16/2013 12:27:06 AM LOL, so true! But do people still do that? I've mostly seen people who walk into your house and turn their kids loose for someone else to keep an eye on. 5073. judithathome - 12/16/2013 1:15:36 AM Saw an interesting little half hour program pushing the new Meryl Streep/Julia Roberts movie: Autumn: Osage County...all about family. Looks like every family dinner holiday meal in the history of the earth.
Even though it's about a funeral. 5074. Jenerator - 12/17/2013 12:04:51 AM Good advice, all. I appreciate it.
It's a huge Christmas gathering and my husband's stepmother despises him. I didn't know that until this past summer when she put me in the middle of it all and said things that were inappropriate.
The thought of staying in her home is unbearable, but I'll do it for him. He doesn't know the full depth of what she told me.
So, if she says *anything* similar to what she told me before, I will try my hardest to not say anything, and quietly pack us up and leave.
I shouldn't waste energy worrying, but it is an uncomfortable position to be in.
Let's just say that she apparently has been harboring a grudge against him since he was seven. meanwhile, he screw-up, criminal biological children can do no wrong. 5075. Jenerator - 12/17/2013 12:05:34 AM Meanwhile, HER screw-up, criminal... 5076. Trillium - 12/17/2013 6:49:00 AM Jen, I've been in similar situations and agree with Thoughtful's take on it. Good luck.
In case it's helpful, here's one idea: Google up "Richard Driscoll, PHD" and check out the reviews of his (old and inexpensive) book/CD set Personal Shielding. There are a lot of people who have found it useful, and it's worth a try (doesn't take much time, either).
5077. jayackroyd - 12/18/2013 1:56:24 PM http://xkcd.com/1305/ 5078. jayackroyd - 12/18/2013 2:04:23 PM http://xkcd.com/1305/ 5079. alistairconnor - 12/18/2013 2:48:12 PM Jen : you could also apply my technique : Live on the other side of the planet.
Well, it works for me.
(Actually, I love my family. All of them. And I'm always happy to see them. This is perhaps not unconnected to the above circumstance).
Oh, having checked, the antipodes of all of the continental US is in the Indian Ocean. This may limit the utility of my advice. But Western Australia ought to work well for a Texan. 5080. arkymalarky - 12/19/2013 12:51:40 AM Jay!! What a cool link--it's us! 5081. arkymalarky - 12/19/2013 2:15:29 AM just checking the voice to text on this phone compared to my old phone. Looks pretty good actually. 5082. wabbit - 12/20/2013 12:35:24 AM Hey Jay! That really is us!
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