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862. Jenerator - 1/1/2009 11:56:41 PM I have missed you Webfeet! 863. webfeet - 1/2/2009 2:17:51 AM And I you, Jenerator. I told you I liked the oyster shots. I think that was, sadly, like a year ago. I must have a different sense of time because that doesn't feel that long to me.
Not that anyone cares (except perhaps fans of The Me) but I will be posting more frequently as opposed to let's say letting gaps of six months go by at a time before I lure myself out of the brillo pad of my thoughts and post here. I'm fond of this site, after all. Perhaps I have reached the age where things that are constant take on a greater meaning. Oh, who knows? Isn't that boring to analyse it?
In anticipation of your next question, Jen, The Me has generously offered to conduct a brief tell-all interview.
The Me: So, webfeet, why don't you have a book contract yet?
webfeet: [Caresses her throat, as if swallowing a lozenge.] Is attempted to reply in convoluted french parce que..and then stops. The truth is so much funnier. I mean, it wasn't funny. Not back in June, at least. My agent decided to go vampire. Fantasy, pornotica, romantica, all these new genres that ended in the letter 'a' took precedence over my manuscript (which, as you know, you know nothing about deliberately). And she asked to see my manuscript, after launching a racy romance on-line venture, in January. Now, had I known she was going to be the boogie night's agent, I would never have queried her. And, rather than wait, I decided to plow on, depressed and saddened at having come so close at having missed the chance to be able to brag at my h.s. reunion, and played the field instead, and am now waiting for a callback. When you snag an agent on only the second query, things really are too good to be true. That is the lesson I learned.
The Me: [nods sympathetically] how did you cope with this, this setback?
webfeet: I crammed myself with cakes this summer in the south of france. and worked. and worked. and worked. And that's where you find me now...
The Me: A mess?
webfeet: No, I like to say wisened, no longer a vierge. Well, time's up The Me. I have to finish my calvados and go running on this arctic night with my husband and celebrate the last teeny weeny seconds of that fleeting, depressingly ethereal feeling called the holidays by looking at my parents' neighbors Christmas lights. It's been great.
The Me: Anytime.
Stay tuned for our next segment of The Me when webfeet, smarmy now at having lost her innocence in the world of publishing, namedrops that she actually had lunch with someone who was close friends with Harold Pinter. In Paris. 864. Jenerator - 1/2/2009 5:26:12 PM Webbie,
The solution was/is simple: just alter your manuscript!! Change the heroine into a Jane Austen reading Lycan and the antagonist into an espresso wielding obsequiousness vampire who feels conflicted about it all. Throw in some gratuitous sex and voilà - publishing contract! 865. Jenerator - 1/2/2009 5:27:57 PM Make that a vampire who struggles with his obsequiousness. 866. Jenerator - 1/2/2009 5:30:15 PM If you need any more advice, I am always available!
:-) 867. alistairConnor - 1/2/2009 5:30:54 PM No, I didn't strangle the geese; the foie gras was Labeyrie brand, such as you could find in any big supermarket in the midwest, and probably canned in Bulgaria.
I have spent the last couple of weeks, lacking oxen to sacrifice, in pouring out copious libations of French wine to the gods to celebrate my return with pomp and prodigality. Ensures a warm welcome, and masks the fact that I am broke. Sponging off friends and relatives is the name of the game, and it's all going swimmingly, sun burns and good beaches galore. 868. webfeet - 1/6/2009 12:10:38 AM Welcome back to The Me. Today's theme was going to be addiction and penance yet it's been modified to offer constructive ways of dealing with post-holiday letdown with the addition of the new guide, 'Creative Ways to be Frugal in 2009'. Anyone who cares to offer a frugal tip is welcome to participate.
Now, living in an agricultural region, with livestock all around you, Alistair, it's like an open-air market. First tip on the list: offal. Yes, offal. Cheap, plentiful and good foryou albeit an acquired taste for many--offal is vastly underrated. Whether it is tripe, head cheese or coeur du mutton, if the French didn't invent clever ways of turning organ meat into appetizing concoctions fit for kings, than Escoffier was merely a one-trick pony, deglazing his way to culinary repute. Even the most squeamish can overcome their fears with a good reduction sauce and a stick of butter. Bon appetit. A very funny blog, which I am not going to bother hyperlinking, sorry, is Year of the Glutton. Written by a brit, it's all about organ meats and is well-written and very funny.
Frugal tip #2. Write vampire fiction; any kind will do, whether it's paranormal vampire fiction; or 19th C vampire fiction, or any genre you can think of, it is probably going to take you to the top the slush pile. When you envision your characters, just think fangs and channel Anne Rice, who is now a born again Christian.
Frugal tip #3: Root vegetables. From Julia Child's French Chef Cookbook:
Navets A La Champenoise
(turnip and onion casserole)
2 1/2 lbs yellow turnipsor rutabagas
2/3 cup finaly diced pork butt (or 3tbs butter)
2/3 cup finely diced onions
1 Tb flour
3/4 cup beef bouillon
1/4 tsp sage'salt and pepper
2 to 3 TB fresh minced parsley
Peel the turnips, cut into quarters,. then into 1/2 inch slices; cut slices into 1/2 inch strips, and the strips into 1/2 inch cubes. Drop into boiling salted water and boil uncovered for 3 to 5 minutes until tender. Drain.
If you are using the pork, sauté slowly in a 3-quart saucepan until very lightly browned; otherwise, add the butter or oil to the pan. Stir in the onions, cover, and cook slowly for 5 minutes without brwoning. Blend in the flour and cook slowly for 2 minutes. Remove from heat, beat in the bouillon, return to heat and bring to the simmer. Add the sage, then fold in the turnips,. Season to taste with salt and pepper.
Cover the pan and simmer slowly for 20 to thirty minutes, or until turnips are tender. If sauce is too liquid , uncover and boil slowly for several minutes until liquid has reduced and thickened. Correct seasoning. Fold in parsley and serve in a hot dish.
Tip #4 (write a cookbook with a dead culinary legend.)
869. webfeet - 1/7/2009 11:59:56 PM Tip #5 Stalk your own goose and make your own foie gras. The pastry chef and owner of the bakery in my parents' village was recently arrested for catching a goose in the town green; witnesses saw him running after the animal and then stuffing it into a bag. Poor goosey loosey. No doubt she was going to be fattened up and jarred. He was Danish, actually.
The idea could be the basis of a lovely vegan children's story, a genre, in case anyone has missed it, that is slowly emerging. It could be called, 'The Goose That Got Away' and you'd see the evil chef hiding madly in the bushes with a bag stalking it. Vegan lit is as probably as boring as vegan cuisine. We read one recently about a vegetarian dragon that was unbearable; he made tofu kebabs and converted all the other dragons.
Incidentally, my father once saw two frenchman on the golf course running after a goose with a bag. Thought this time no-one was arrested and the poor goose didn't get away.
870. Jenerator - 1/8/2009 2:08:30 AM Okay webfeet, I have come up with a Plan B since obviously you didn't like my other idea.
How about this - change your manuscript to tell the tale of the blonde and lusty village cook who is well studied in the classic French techniques and who longs to make the perfect dish that will impress the town's lone millionaire. She decides to make foie gras with the neighbor's pet goose; however, she discovers along the way that the millionaire doesn't eat meat, or légumes du pays - in fact, he only drinks blood!! She must now decide how to cook the illegal meat without the town knowing of her crime and whilst simultaneously saving them from the fiend who hunts them all at night.
871. Jenerator - 1/8/2009 2:09:55 AM You can then throw in some espresso, Jane Austen, soft porn and Prada.
Maybe *I* should be your agent!
:-)
You know I adore you! 872. webfeet - 1/8/2009 6:57:38 PM Pas mal. You know, honestly, you better keep that to yourself because it may work. Why don't you write it? And I'm not being flip when I say that. Write the next fois-gras inspired 'Twilight'. her love for offal makes her want to try human flesh... It can be like Sweeney Todd meets Juliette Binoche's 'Chocolat'. You went to brigham young, didn't you, or one of those loony christian academies? Use your theological background to write
a vampire satire. But you better move fast if you don't want your goose to be cooked. There are plenty of greedy chefs hiding in the bushes with their knives poised, waiting to strike.
Just to be boring and self-righteous for a minute, the central conceit is I like my work. So did my vampire agent. She called me, she emailed me all the time, we were this--'this' close to having lunch. Everytime I emailed her, boom, right back at me. SHe taught at NYu for god's sake! And, then, it was like pussyland. She was soliciting books for the next kinky shoe memoir, and I just thought, oh fuck. this is simply too depressing. But guess what? Am I going to walk around with my nose in the air? Oh, no. Am I going to privately mope and eat frangipane and say, "I'm too good for that?" oh, no. Heavens no. She asked to see it in January. And, oh, look at the clock. Why it's...janvier.
I really think I should be more promiscuous (or unstupid) and send it out to more than three agents.
Anyway, I just had frangipane from our three king's cake (la galettes des rois) and I feel much better.
So, get busy!
873. NuPlanetOne - 1/8/2009 9:37:02 PM Webbie...
I have been following your food tips with great amusement and with the mention of Julia Child I must boast of my brief association with that celebrated culinary icon. I had the pleasure of assisting Julia in two cooking demonstrations while at cooking school so many years ago. She was an intense and gracious personality, and although it was law by contract that no pictures were allowed to be taken without her express permission, she did allow my girlfriend to snap us working together once during the evening. Mainly because upon being successfully entrusted with her starter doughs, which I guarded with my life, and having found the ideal spot to hold them in just the right climate conditions, (A spot in the bowels of the school discovered by the school's director and I and kept secret), we managed to bake the perfect baguettes, live, in an electric home style oven, as that was a specific feature of the evening's demonstration.
She actually chose my name from a list of perspective assistants forwarded to her for a subsequent demonstration, referring to me as that 'Charlie who protected my dough.' Which gave me the nickname 'dough boy' for the rest of my time at school. Anyway, I have an excellent picture to document the experience. That is, aside from the permitted staff photo shoots behind the scenes supervised by her secretary.
Which brings me to the evil Chef in the bushes. I am reminded of a seemingly evil old Sicilian woman from my neighborhood growing up that would skulk about in the early Spring dawn to collect dandelion greens for her 'cicoria' soup and other assorted recipes, as well as for medicinal purposes. Most people thought she was creepy, as did I, but she eventually befriended me and taught me to prepare an excellent stuffed, braised honeycomb tripe. Better than my Old Man's, which tended to be somewhat bland. (The tripe tying in with your offal discussion, which was far from awful.:) Her secret being raw fennel.
So I'm thinking, apropos of your advice to Jen to get going on a vampire angle, my Old Sicilian could figure in as a slayer who knows the secret antidote to the bloodsuckers infectious bite. They rule at dusk, she toils at dawn. I think I might have to attempt a short story somewhere along this line. Anything to unblock my lazy aspirations concerning prose. Whaddathink?
874. Jenerator - 1/10/2009 1:02:01 AM Nu,
I am delighted to hear about this encounter with Julia Childs. I have read so many books about her and have cooked a great portion of her recipes. In fact I have very early memories of watching her on TV with my dad - I feel as though she is an old family friend.
Perhaps you and I, in an effort to cheer up our depressed friend, should attempt to write a short story about vampires, Sicilians, and chefs, one paragraph at a time. 875. NuPlanetOne - 1/10/2009 4:02:29 AM Jen...
Yes indeed. That is an excellent idea! I am a fan of all things vampire, but I've been watching HBO's 'True Blood' and was disappointed that it followed the usual route through vampire lure and law. It started well but the guy cast as the main hero just seemed way too weak in contrast to Anna Paquin, who is excellent, in a kinda slayer role, so we must go unorthodox and maybe even as campy as 'Buffy' but establishing some new mutations on the original theme. Even though that has been done as well, as in 'Blade,' where some vampires could survive by day. I say anything goes, as long as it is blood we are after! Maybe a 24 hr vampire that transports globally and visits night wherever it is present. So, how shall we begin? Also, once Webbie is alert, she must contribute as well, or at the very least, edit and direct. As well as anyone else here that needs to add his or her 2 cents. 876. judithathome - 1/10/2009 7:47:22 AM but I've been watching HBO's 'True Blood' and was disappointed that it followed the usual route through vampire lure and law.
Oh please...that show was the best thing to happen to vampires since Frank Langella's ultra sexy Dracula in the 70s.
I must admit that I am a vampire purist and the Buffy saga left me as cold as a Civil War vampire widow.
True Blood had my attention from the first airing of that intriguing theme song...I loved the connection of vampires being the new gays. And I adored Layfayette, the vamp lover and purveyor of their most precious commodity, V.
Alan Ball created this romp to comment on society's main drugs: meth, sex, and religion. He has done an excellent job of nailing all three with a bonus of hypocrisy thrown in..."a little something special from the kitchen", which all good cooks know to do in Louisana. 877. alistairConnor - 1/10/2009 2:31:43 PM Now that it's 1am, I can finally get near the household's one internet connection. The competition during the daytime is too intense for me. All of the girls here (mine and my sister's) are addicted to the "Twilight" book series, and the fourth volume is out of stock. So they are taking turns reading a pirated copy on the internet.
Frankly, vampire literature leaves me cold, but I am at the mercy of a bevy of vampire-loving adolescent girls. 878. arkymalarky - 1/10/2009 7:52:59 PM Haha! It does me, too, Alistair, as did the little passage I read from one of the Twilight books, but the kids love it, and Mose, who now teaches 7th grade (I both laugh and cry at that) is reading the series, and many of her students are as well. Like the Harry Potter books (which I've never read) the Twilight series literally appeals to all ages. 879. Jenerator - 1/11/2009 12:15:07 AM Thank goodness he finally cut that mop on top! Ick!
 880. judithathome - 1/11/2009 4:50:45 PM Who IS this fictional person? 881. magoseph - 1/11/2009 7:54:02 PM
Robert Pattinson
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