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22352. resonance - 8/2/2007 8:14:29 PM Oh, unfortunately we can live without them, it's just hard as hell learning how to do that.
I'm saddened to hear what you're going through, Thoughtful, and I realize any words I might be able to share wouldn't serve to console you. That kind of severe loss can make you question everything in life, it makes you feel like your soul will die of exposure. I'm so sorry for you.
I only have one trite saying that might help -- give this time. 22353. thoughtful - 8/2/2007 9:28:00 PM Thanks res, I appreciate your kind thoughts.
In one sense, I didn't like my brother enough to ever let him damage my soul in such a way.
Consolation is not really what I'm looking for...I'm looking for a way to put this and all the events with him over the past 50+ years into some kind of perspective so it will make sense to me in such a way that it becomes, I don't know, somehow tolerable. At this point, it isn't. It's a long and complicated story. I know I'll never completely understand him or his cross-wired thinking, but I'm hoping to at least gain enough insight that I'm 'comfortable' with his life story, including how it ended.
My dear doc recommended reading "the 5 people you meet in heaven" which I did. Actually I listened on tape and the tape ended with an interview with the author. He said for him, heaven is finally making sense of your life, and that's what he most hopes for when he dies...that he will finally understand what it was all about. I guess, in a sense, that's what I'm looking for now...a way to make sense of his life and to understand what it was all about. If that is truly 'heaven' that I'm seeking, then I may never find it...or at least not in this world. 22354. anomie - 8/2/2007 9:53:26 PM Thoughtful, this sounds so much like what some of my cousins are going through, trying to reconcile their feelings about their brother's suicide. He was a talented, smart, likable guy, but he was also irresponsible and never lived up to commitments. I know his eldest sister was burned by him financially more than once and that leaves emotional scars. To boot, she then sufferd the guilt of refusing him later in his life when he was down and out again. I don't mean to imply he was similar to your brother in anyway. I'm just commenting on the mixed emotions left in the aftermath of a suicide.
I hope you find the perspective you need. 22355. arkymalarky - 8/6/2007 12:25:57 AM The last of the company just left, and once again we had a great time. And a tamer one, thankfully. 22356. thoughtful - 8/6/2007 2:29:13 PM Thanks anomie...I can certainly relate to what your cousins are going through. 22357. thoughtful - 8/7/2007 6:12:34 PM Sigh.
I'm not bouncing back.
My resilience is shot.
I can't concentrate at work.
I'm afraid to be whole.
If I let it all go, I'm afraid I'll never get it back.
I need help. I'm going for help. It's not help enough...at least not yet.
I need to find a way to heal myself.
Talking to others gives me no relief.
I appreciate their kindness and their support, but it's not what I need.
Oh, to find a clear path out of these woods. I know it's there, I know I'll find it, but man, it's hard not seeing one's way clear.
And it's so disappointing that this of all things should affect me so. Of all things. To let him of all people have this kind of impact on me. It's simply wrong. I'm wrong to allow it.
But somehow, I can't help myself. At least not yet.
But I will.
He's not worth it. Especially not now.
I am. 22358. Ms. No - 8/7/2007 6:41:31 PM T'ful,
It is what it is and "should" never has much to do with feelings which is why they are so maddening. Talk therapy is great for a lot of things, but sometimes there's truly nothing to talk about and what you really need is chemical assistance to get out of the mental rut that's bringing you down.
22359. thoughtful - 8/7/2007 8:26:09 PM anathema to me...
maybe i need to get to hershey pa and get me one of them chocolate baths! 22360. Ms. No - 8/7/2007 10:19:19 PM Ah! Now you're talking my kind of chemicals! 22361. wabbit - 8/8/2007 1:07:36 AM T'ful,
It isn't the same thing, not even close, but I've just gone through a rather unpleasant divorce from someone who had an agenda and a very good "act". Knowing that he is a selfish, thoughtless, cheating liar with no integrity isn't what has helped me. Talking has never made me feel better about anything, and I'm convinced that my depression is something I can dig my own way out of, because I've allowed it to happen. What has helped is reminding myself who I am. I get up every morning, every single morning, and know that I didn't lie and cheat, that my choices were made from love and not gain, and that I cannot control what a manipulative waste of oxygen who thinks only of himself chooses to do. All I can control is whether or not I let it dictate the rest of my life. I've chosen not to let that happen.
That didn't make me feel any better for a very long time, and the divorce is less than a month past, but time does help, even if it doesn't really heal all wounds. Every day the sun comes up, I can look myself in the mirror and know I still have my honor, and things get a little better. I know that eventually the hurt will fade, but for now, it is a very conscious effort. I also know that it's effort well invested.
All this goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyway. You know who you are, you know you are a person of integrity, and deep down you know your brother's choices were his. His choices do not reflect who you are. The people in your life who really count know that too.
Of course, chocolate is good, too - those Hershey Cacao Reserve chocolate bars are especially nice! 22362. alistairconnor - 8/8/2007 8:34:47 AM Oh my darling, words are futile, hugs might help, but are attenuated by distance. You deserve so much better than this. 22363. thoughtful - 8/8/2007 1:52:30 PM wabbit,
I'm so terribly sorry for your pain, and I know you too will find a clear path through it.
You are exactly right and the route you have taken is exactly the right one for me as well.
Brother departing while sticking that knife in my back and twisting it one last time has led me to doubt myself and who I am. Could I be a good and caring person and let my own brother live under this enormous cloud of misperception? Could I have changed his attitude toward me?
But I am learning, ever so slowly, but learning, that his behavior was driven entirely by his issues, not mine. That it was precisely because I was the good child...not to show him up as he so firmly believed, but because it is who I am, who I want to be...that the knife was directed at me. Here he was in his final act...an act that anyone, ANYONE he talked to would have said no, an act which he was choosing entirely for himself and for which he was solely responsible...and still he had to lay the blame for even that on someone else. I just happened to be the perfect, easy target. I am also learning that, as such, though he was so desperately in need of help, I was not and never could be the person who could help him. I think no one could help him, because I realize he didn't want to be fixed. In some twisted way, as miserable as he was, he was happy with who he was.
You are right. We have our integrity. We have our honor. We are good people. We deserve better. We cannot and will not let the actions of these others do fundamental damage to who we are and who we will be in the future. We've been bruised, but we will heal and somehow, we will emerge stronger for it.
Thank you so much. 22364. thoughtful - 8/8/2007 1:54:38 PM AC, I'll accept your cyber hugs any time you want to send them, and should we cross oceans, I'll be glad to give and receive them at any time. You're a peach. 22365. wabbit - 8/8/2007 2:16:20 PM Times like this really reinforce my appreciation for the Mote. Hang in there, t'ful. We may be only cyberpals, but we've got your back.
Sign me up for those hugs, too, AC! 22366. wonkers2 - 8/8/2007 2:31:28 PM Cap'n Dirty sez, "Cyber hugs??!!! How about the real thing aboard the Tomater Sloop?" 22367. TheWizardOfWhimsy - 8/8/2007 3:34:45 PM [Just caught up--somewhat.]
In the FWIW Department and as a professional illusionist, I can only add that those guys were not in touch with reality, but, rather, wallowed in the illusions and delusions of immature fantasies.
Don't waste anymore of your precious time dwelling on fools who couldn't grow out of their own lies and deceit. Every day has gifts--if one can recognize them and be grateful for the continual flow of the NOW--rather than picking the wounds of the past.
We are ALL too good and smart for that.
Surrender to life and each of its moments and let the dead go; they are no longer relevant to the living.
22368. Ms. No - 8/8/2007 3:37:05 PM Cyber-hugs, chocolate, I'll throw in a couple of Martinis, hell, it's starting to sound like a regular party. 22369. judithathome - 8/8/2007 3:45:30 PM Gads, I can add some giant olives for the martinis and throw in some hugs all around.
You ladies are the best and I can't add any wisdom to what these fine people have said...just hang in there.
(Would either of you like a copy of that cheesy kitty cat poster where he's hanging by both feet and can't let go of either one?) 22370. thoughtful - 8/8/2007 4:15:09 PM Thanks, wiz...you're right. Every day brings its own gifts and each day that comes, comes but once. Too precious to waste. 22371. thoughtful - 8/8/2007 4:16:10 PM Party sounds great...now who's bringing the cabana boys to give me my back rub....
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