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22357. thoughtful - 8/7/2007 6:12:34 PM Sigh.
I'm not bouncing back.
My resilience is shot.
I can't concentrate at work.
I'm afraid to be whole.
If I let it all go, I'm afraid I'll never get it back.
I need help. I'm going for help. It's not help enough...at least not yet.
I need to find a way to heal myself.
Talking to others gives me no relief.
I appreciate their kindness and their support, but it's not what I need.
Oh, to find a clear path out of these woods. I know it's there, I know I'll find it, but man, it's hard not seeing one's way clear.
And it's so disappointing that this of all things should affect me so. Of all things. To let him of all people have this kind of impact on me. It's simply wrong. I'm wrong to allow it.
But somehow, I can't help myself. At least not yet.
But I will.
He's not worth it. Especially not now.
I am. 22358. Ms. No - 8/7/2007 6:41:31 PM T'ful,
It is what it is and "should" never has much to do with feelings which is why they are so maddening. Talk therapy is great for a lot of things, but sometimes there's truly nothing to talk about and what you really need is chemical assistance to get out of the mental rut that's bringing you down.
22359. thoughtful - 8/7/2007 8:26:09 PM anathema to me...
maybe i need to get to hershey pa and get me one of them chocolate baths! 22360. Ms. No - 8/7/2007 10:19:19 PM Ah! Now you're talking my kind of chemicals! 22361. wabbit - 8/8/2007 1:07:36 AM T'ful,
It isn't the same thing, not even close, but I've just gone through a rather unpleasant divorce from someone who had an agenda and a very good "act". Knowing that he is a selfish, thoughtless, cheating liar with no integrity isn't what has helped me. Talking has never made me feel better about anything, and I'm convinced that my depression is something I can dig my own way out of, because I've allowed it to happen. What has helped is reminding myself who I am. I get up every morning, every single morning, and know that I didn't lie and cheat, that my choices were made from love and not gain, and that I cannot control what a manipulative waste of oxygen who thinks only of himself chooses to do. All I can control is whether or not I let it dictate the rest of my life. I've chosen not to let that happen.
That didn't make me feel any better for a very long time, and the divorce is less than a month past, but time does help, even if it doesn't really heal all wounds. Every day the sun comes up, I can look myself in the mirror and know I still have my honor, and things get a little better. I know that eventually the hurt will fade, but for now, it is a very conscious effort. I also know that it's effort well invested.
All this goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyway. You know who you are, you know you are a person of integrity, and deep down you know your brother's choices were his. His choices do not reflect who you are. The people in your life who really count know that too.
Of course, chocolate is good, too - those Hershey Cacao Reserve chocolate bars are especially nice! 22362. alistairconnor - 8/8/2007 8:34:47 AM Oh my darling, words are futile, hugs might help, but are attenuated by distance. You deserve so much better than this. 22363. thoughtful - 8/8/2007 1:52:30 PM wabbit,
I'm so terribly sorry for your pain, and I know you too will find a clear path through it.
You are exactly right and the route you have taken is exactly the right one for me as well.
Brother departing while sticking that knife in my back and twisting it one last time has led me to doubt myself and who I am. Could I be a good and caring person and let my own brother live under this enormous cloud of misperception? Could I have changed his attitude toward me?
But I am learning, ever so slowly, but learning, that his behavior was driven entirely by his issues, not mine. That it was precisely because I was the good child...not to show him up as he so firmly believed, but because it is who I am, who I want to be...that the knife was directed at me. Here he was in his final act...an act that anyone, ANYONE he talked to would have said no, an act which he was choosing entirely for himself and for which he was solely responsible...and still he had to lay the blame for even that on someone else. I just happened to be the perfect, easy target. I am also learning that, as such, though he was so desperately in need of help, I was not and never could be the person who could help him. I think no one could help him, because I realize he didn't want to be fixed. In some twisted way, as miserable as he was, he was happy with who he was.
You are right. We have our integrity. We have our honor. We are good people. We deserve better. We cannot and will not let the actions of these others do fundamental damage to who we are and who we will be in the future. We've been bruised, but we will heal and somehow, we will emerge stronger for it.
Thank you so much. 22364. thoughtful - 8/8/2007 1:54:38 PM AC, I'll accept your cyber hugs any time you want to send them, and should we cross oceans, I'll be glad to give and receive them at any time. You're a peach. 22365. wabbit - 8/8/2007 2:16:20 PM Times like this really reinforce my appreciation for the Mote. Hang in there, t'ful. We may be only cyberpals, but we've got your back.
Sign me up for those hugs, too, AC! 22366. wonkers2 - 8/8/2007 2:31:28 PM Cap'n Dirty sez, "Cyber hugs??!!! How about the real thing aboard the Tomater Sloop?" 22367. TheWizardOfWhimsy - 8/8/2007 3:34:45 PM [Just caught up--somewhat.]
In the FWIW Department and as a professional illusionist, I can only add that those guys were not in touch with reality, but, rather, wallowed in the illusions and delusions of immature fantasies.
Don't waste anymore of your precious time dwelling on fools who couldn't grow out of their own lies and deceit. Every day has gifts--if one can recognize them and be grateful for the continual flow of the NOW--rather than picking the wounds of the past.
We are ALL too good and smart for that.
Surrender to life and each of its moments and let the dead go; they are no longer relevant to the living.
22368. Ms. No - 8/8/2007 3:37:05 PM Cyber-hugs, chocolate, I'll throw in a couple of Martinis, hell, it's starting to sound like a regular party. 22369. judithathome - 8/8/2007 3:45:30 PM Gads, I can add some giant olives for the martinis and throw in some hugs all around.
You ladies are the best and I can't add any wisdom to what these fine people have said...just hang in there.
(Would either of you like a copy of that cheesy kitty cat poster where he's hanging by both feet and can't let go of either one?) 22370. thoughtful - 8/8/2007 4:15:09 PM Thanks, wiz...you're right. Every day brings its own gifts and each day that comes, comes but once. Too precious to waste. 22371. thoughtful - 8/8/2007 4:16:10 PM Party sounds great...now who's bringing the cabana boys to give me my back rub.... 22372. arkymalarky - 8/8/2007 5:13:33 PM Times like this really reinforce my appreciation for the Mote.
That is so true. I don't think folks gathered together anywhere, in body or in spirit, get any better than they are here. 22373. Ms. No - 8/8/2007 5:43:19 PM A girlfriend and I are going to a local spa - Mellow Me Out - this weekend for massages and pedicures. I cannot wait. I haven't had a full massage in years.
I'm dragging myself into the office through the 17th and then I'm off to LA for a couple of days to see my brother and his family and catch up with some friends.
When I get back I'll have about 10 days to get things in order around my house before school starts. I want to try and have a yard sale. I'll schedule a pickup from Salvation Army or Goodwill for afterward so that anything I don't sell doesn't come back to my place. 22374. thoughtful - 8/8/2007 6:48:46 PM Sounds like a great plan, Missie. 22375. Ms. No - 8/8/2007 7:13:30 PM I've just got so much stuff. I figure I've got about 1200 books I can get rid of and if I can manage to get it done I should burn all my CD's to a hard drive and then go trade them in for credit at the record store. It's music I want, but I have tons of CD's that I never pull out and play because it's such a hassle to deal with rotating the disks etc. If I put it all on a hard drive then I can just fire up the rotation on my PC and actually make use of the stuff rather than having it just taking up space and collecting dust.
Once I clear out the CDs I can get a rolling TV console and then get rid of my entertainment center which will free up a lot of space. I'm trading in my futon for a love-seat and then maybe I'll have enough room in my apartment to actually have people over. I used to entertain all the time and looking back over the last couple of years I realize that I haven't had a dinner party or multi-person gathering at my home since I left West LA more than three years ago.
Mostly at this very moment I'm hard pressed to stay at the office. I'm so antsy to leave and the project I'm working on is excruciatingly mind-numbing.....which is an oxymoron of sorts, but it really is nearly intolerable. I just keep looking at it and thinking "Would I spend X amount of dollars to have the next ten days off?" and the answer needs to be "no"
I hate being bored more than anything in the world. 22376. thoughtful - 8/8/2007 8:02:18 PM I don't know if i ever told you guys about when, after my dad died, mother sold the house that they had lived in for 55 years. In addition to the house, they had a rental property and 3 barns. Both mom and dad are pack rats and the place was literally filled to the gills. Every beam in the basement had a nails in it with stuff hanging off of it. Dad hung on to every carbuerator part because you just never knew. Mother believed the bumper sticker that said, "She who dies with the most fabric wins!" She invited ladies over who teach sewing who pulled 13 garbage bags full of fabric out of the attic and the attic was still full. Mom took what she wanted for her new place. My brother and I each took what we wanted. Then my cousins came in and took some of the furniture. Then we had tag sales. Then she invited 4 charities to come in and take whatever they wanted. Would you believe she still had 5 dumpsters of stuff taken away?? Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable.
Ping pong table and archery stuff and dozens of screwdrivers without handles and bags of fertilizer and dozens and dozens of shot glasses. Almost everything under the sun you could imagine.
It seems like nothing when you accumulate this stuff one or two pieces at a time, but incredibly immense when it gets aggregated over the years.
I swear half this stuff grows on its own.
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