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23750. judithathome - 3/7/2008 12:27:15 AM That picture of Helen looks like the girl from Big Love who married the Harry Dean Stanton character and later ran away to try her luck at a career in singing. 23751. Ms. No - 3/7/2008 9:37:41 PM I'm actually ranted out for the time being so you guys get the abbreviated version.
My brother and his wife are splitting up which came as rather a shock to the whole family --- even me and I knew some of the problems that had existed.
A week ago when I found out I was devastated in general -- mostly on behalf of the children -- but whatever faults my sister in law has I was also aware that my brother encouraged and enabled a lot of those faults.
However, now I've got new information and I'm pretty much just disgusted with the self-absorbed, petty, childish bitch.
She pulled the incredibly grown-up "Leave my journal on my husband's side of the bed in plain view with a pen marking the passage I want someone to 'accidentally' read so I can say what I want and not be confronted with it because he'd have to admit to reading my private journal" move.
There was plenty of ridiculous stuff in it about how she's practically a single mother --- she's not. She's a stay at home mother which she chose to be and which my brother has nearly broken his back to allow her to be. The generally absurd shit about how she's made all the sacrifices and nobody takes her into account and nobody ever does anything to make her happy blah blah blah. (Does she sound like a petulant 12yo? Good, then I got the tone right)
But the clincher is how much she resents having to have anything to do with my brother's oldest son -- her stepson -- who she doesn't even like.
He's seven fucking years old. She's known him since he was born. He's been a major part of my brother's life the entire time she's been with him. Paxton has always been there. What did she think? That once she had a baby my brother would toss his other son away?
I've always been leery of her attitude toward Paxton especially once his little brother came along and J so clearly favored her own son. And this isn't just biological impulse, either. This is constant dwelling on how perfect her son is and where Paxton is lacking.
And all the while here's this little boy who's known her and loved her all his life. Desperate to please her, devoted to his little brother and now his little sister and she's taken the two youngest and moved five hours away and if it weren't for my brother she'd probably never have anything to do with Paxton again.
I swear to god I want to take her out to the woodshed and beat the ever-living shit out of her for being so fucking selfish and petty as to be jealous of a child.
And what's more, Paxton and Maddox are incredibly close. She doesn't even really think about how much it's going to hurt her own son not to see his brother regularly.
God I'm so mad I could spit. 23752. Ms. No - 3/7/2008 9:39:54 PM And no, I didn't read the journal and my brother wouldn't have told me what was in it except that I was making noises about how maybe after some time apart they could work things out.
Even he thought they might have some chance of that until he saw what she wrote about his son. 23753. arkymalarky - 3/7/2008 10:14:51 PM I feel for all of you, No. It will get ugly, unfortunately, because of the way she's being and dealing with things in court. Bro went through it a few years ago with my niece, and time did make it better, but it was very rough. It also got worse when his ex was being such a flake and he was worried to death about what environment his daughter was in. She's since straightened out, thankfully, but at the time Bro had zero power to do anything. Get a great lawyer and fight like hell for as many rights as he can get and nurture and insulate Paxton as much as the whole family can, is all the advice I got out of Bro's experience. That, and the realization that keeping the children at the forefront of everything when 1) their mother won't and 2) you'd like to rip her eyes out is extremely difficult. I still can't stand her--as much because she's an idiot as anything--but my parents, to their credit and great benefit, get along with her very well. If anyone in your family can keep communication positive with her it will help a whole lot in a number of ways. 23754. Ms. No - 3/8/2008 12:30:45 AM The good news is that they don't hate each other and things are pretty amicable. My brother has been through custody hell before so he's doing everything he can to make sure this doesn't get ugly. To my sil's credit she does love her children and wants them to have a relationship with my brother.
Also, no matter what she may have complained about to her family they will not see my brother as an enemy. This is a case of two people who fell out of love and want different things. He hasn't abused her, neither of them was unfaithful, nothing ugly happened.
However, J's got problems now because she's a flake with no job, no savings, no friends and lousy credit. She couldn't even get an apartment on her own because of her financial situation. The smart thing to do would be to move in with her mother but she doesn't want to do that because her mother makes her crazy.
My brother had to explain to her that "getting a divorce" means that she's going to have to get a job and help support herself. She was actually indignant that he's not willing to couch-surf for the forseeable future so that his salary can pay all her expenses.
She's in for a rude awakening after all her poor-me crap about how she was surviving and raising children on her own. She's sort of always felt that way, though. Her concept of reality is just skewed. And of course it makes me want to swat my brother because he never put his foot down about it before and so things just got worse and worse. 23755. Ms. No - 3/8/2008 12:33:05 AM I'm just glad I won't have to see her for a bit until I've calmed down about the journal shit. At this very moment I'd be hard pressed to be civil, but in a couple of days I'll have it under control and when next I see her it'll be fine. I certainly don't want to jeopardize being able to see Maddox and Addison especially since they're now only about an hour and a half away from me. 23756. arkymalarky - 3/8/2008 1:17:07 AM Self-absorption is an American epidemic.
It's good people seem to be on good terms. Your brother's got a lot of maturity and control, it sounds like to me, based on what was in that journal. 23757. Ms. No - 3/8/2008 1:24:28 AM Yeah, but he's got lousy taste in women. ;-> 23758. arkymalarky - 3/8/2008 1:35:14 AM He has that in common with my brother. If it's any consolation, third time was a charm with Bro. I really like his wife. 23759. judithathome - 3/8/2008 1:41:52 AM but he's got lousy taste in women
The lament of sisters and mothers everywhere....
Sorry to hear about this mess w/your bro. 23760. Ms. No - 3/8/2008 1:46:41 AM Thanks J
Arx,
Yeah, I think it'll be awhile before we hit that third time, though. I mean, my bro's 34 with three kids by two exes and is geographically bound by these now extended families. There are a lot of challenges for a woman coming into that.
I just hope that the next time he does this he finds a woman with a career and a life of her own who doesn't need him to take care of her.....only that neediness seems to be a big pull for him.
Anyway, odds are that by the time he's actually ready to get serious again, his age bracket will weed out some of the losers. ;-> 23761. Ms. No - 3/8/2008 1:55:44 AM It's funny, I was talking with my step-dad about this and he was lamenting the problems ahead for all of the kids in their future personal relationships and I was pointing out that however awesome our mom is neither my brother nor I are good at romance.
But at least I KNOW I have lousy taste in men. ;->
To which my step-father replied "I guess that means you're not bringing anyone for Easter dinner, huh?" 23762. arkymalarky - 3/8/2008 3:18:20 AM Anyway, odds are that by the time he's actually ready to get serious again, his age bracket will weed out some of the losers. ;->
Or at least get him to women with grown kids. 23763. wonkers2 - 3/8/2008 5:54:17 AM I spent three days in Omaha this week on a little consulting job that fell in my lap recently. I'd forgotten how friendly and accommodating and on the ball Nebraskans and Iowans are aside from the fact that so many are Republicans. It was a refreshing surprise. Downtown Omaha is thriving in contrast to many other decaying urban centers. 23764. Jenerator - 3/9/2008 1:35:14 AM Gosh Ms. No - that IS a depressing story. My heart goes out to you, your brother, the kids and the rest of the family. 23765. jexster - 3/9/2008 3:08:44 AM Anything looks good next to the Failed State of MI Wonkers..
My late partner was from Omaha...tell me all about Omaha and he'll roll over in his grave 23766. jexster - 3/9/2008 3:10:04 AM New computer screen cleaner 23767. Ms. No - 3/9/2008 3:32:36 AM Thanks, Jen
My brother was in last night and we went out to dinner and had a couple beers later. A good night -- things are stressful getting mom and the kids moved and settled but all in all going as smoothly as possible. He's actually staying there tonight with her family so I'm really encouraged.
He did bring me a funny story about my oldest nephew who seems to be handling things well according to the counselor who's checking up on him.
Paxton is afraid of bees. A couple of days ago he and my bro were out at the park and a bee buzzed them and Paxton scampered yelling "A bee! A bee, Daddy!"
My brother said "It's just a bee."
Paxton: "I'm scared of bees, Dad."
Bro: "Paxton, you've never been stung by a bee."
Paxton: "But Dad, I don't want to be stung by a bee."
Hey, you can't argue with that logic! Auntie C has been avoiding bee stings in just that manner all her life.
23768. David Ehrenstein - 3/9/2008 3:35:24 AM Just in case you're not feeling GAY enough. 23769. thoughtful - 3/9/2008 5:04:19 PM So sorry about the family issues, MsNo. I have no words of wisdom to offer other than you're not alone. I've long ago decided that a normal family is dysfunctional and a 'functional' family, whatever that is, is totally abnormal.
Families...can't live with them and can't live without them.
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