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24230. thoughtful - 7/12/2008 5:32:55 PM As George Carlin put it, think about how dumb the average guy is and then realize that half of the world is dumber than that!
So much for our vaunted educational system! 24231. arkymalarky - 7/12/2008 6:24:23 PM Education cures ignorance, not stupidity. 24232. judithathome - 7/13/2008 3:45:16 PM Great point! 24233. judithathome - 7/14/2008 4:08:11 AM Arky, let me know if there's anything you want from here when we come for the weekend in August.
Sadly, they don't have the chocolate straws you like at the commisary any longer. 24234. arkymalarky - 7/14/2008 5:41:19 PM Oh, that's fine. I seem to have gotten over them and pixy stix. Just yourselves will be fantastic! 24235. iiibbb - 7/20/2008 9:45:40 AM The shit is hitting the fan again.
I'm getting tired of this. I am frustrated and depressed and at a loss of what to do. There's nothing I can do really. She's depressed and can't deal with this anymore. There's at lot of transference onto me, but my capacity to deal with it is shot. Can't talk to her about it because all she tells me is A) "I don't want to talk about it", B)"I can't help you because I knew this was a bad idea coming here"
I can't talk to others about it because of the nature of some of these problems she wants to keep private.
So I am stuck. My wife is beyond the end of her rope. I'm pretty close to the end of mine. I love her. She loves me. We're working on getting out of here... but we're stuck in these moments until it can be made to happen. 24236. wonkers2 - 7/20/2008 3:02:06 PM Sounds like a real rough patch. Hang in there. Sometimes it can be a mistake to press for a solution when one isn't apparent or within immediate reach. Take a deep breath and back off if you can. 24237. arkymalarky - 7/20/2008 5:29:37 PM That's true. And a third outside party can really help if you're both open to counseling. That's what sent Bob back to school to become a math teacher. And we went because I was having stress because the school I was working in was shut down by the state and Bob was in a job he hated. Since my dad was a professor he had a friend in the psychology dept who had a practice on the side, and he was a great help, testing us about our interests and concerns and working with us through where we were stuck to beyond it, so we began to move forward again. Mose was just a toddler back then, and Bob went back to school when she was about three or four. And none of us starved, nothing fell apart, and we're still together. Fear of the unknown is the most paralyzing types of fear, and counseling for us clarified that and helped us move forward with a plan and without a fear of doing it. It was hard living on my meager income ($13,700 a year) for four and a half years, but it was worth it. 24238. Ms. No - 7/20/2008 5:41:33 PM i3b3,
I'm sorry to hear things are getting sticky again. I agree with Wonkers --- sometimes you just have to ride it out and keep repeating to yourself "This time next year it'll all be settled."
In the event that you just need to vent and don't want advice - I know that an outpouring of frustration really isn't an invitation to meddle -- feel free to skip any advice that follows. In fact, I'll put it in white font so it's easier to scroll past. :->
However, if you need a little validation, what better place to expect it than among your friends here?
First off, how much longer is left in your year of service at your current job? If I remember correctly, it can't be all that much longer. You're more than six months in, right? This situation is not only not permanent or indefinite, but has a clear end in sight--- and it isn't all that far away. However long they may have wanted you for -- or thought they would have you for -- it is only necessary that you finish out the year so that you don't harm your future employment chances, right? So finish out the year.
Is your wife currently locked into her position? If not and she just can't handle living there anymore, how much time is left in your position to finish out the year? Could she move before you and begin looking for work in the NE? If it's just a couple of months, then maybe that will help her deal with things a little better. She'll be away from the region and the job she hates and moving forward on what she wants with the support of the rest of her family around her and that will take the pressure off of you to change things you can't or apologize for things you haven't done wrong.
This is the part that's really none of my business, but I'm going to put it out there anyway because it's early and I haven't had my daily serving of foot today.
Despite the fact that you made the move South to forward your career, your wife was part of that decision-making process. It's not like she said "No way," and then you tied her up and carted her down there anyway. This isn't something that you created all by yourself and did to her.
The fact that it isn't working out and is hard all around isn't helped by her pointing out that she told you so. In fact, "I told you so," is never helpful. It's generally used to gloat which isn't productive unless one is trying to hurt and alienate people. It's understandable that she might be feeling the need to lash out in her misery, but just because something is an understandable response doesn't make it a justified or reasonable response. --- I understand why my 3yo nephew pitches a tantrum when told "No," but that doesn't mean he's justified in doing so.
Sometimes we just have to get over it.
And after all of that unsolicited comment, really all I need to say is that I wish you well and I hope things get better soon. 24239. robertjayb - 7/20/2008 9:03:30 PM Arky,
I came across this while searching for Gene Lyons. Probably you have seen it...The point made about transportation costs of consolidation is a good one and probably persuasive in these times, methinks.
Consolidating school districts not always beneficial...
BTW, I found Lyons and this description of Sally Quinn gave me an always-welcome laugh-out-loud moment:
A successful Monica Lewinsky, Quinn’s marriage to legendary Post editor Ben Bradlee—the story of their adulterous courtship is narrated in his book “A Good Life” —has made her a Washington social arbiter.
A smart man. I should check him out more often.
Also Charles Portis, another clever (IMHO) Arkansan. Do you know if he is still alive and writing, he asks nervously?
24240. judithathome - 7/20/2008 9:22:54 PM Keoni is taking my computer to work the next two or three days to install...or rather, have their IT guy install...some stuff so that he will be able to access his work at home and make things a lot easier on himself...and me. Plus save some gas instead of having to go all the way back to the office to the office everytime he forgets to enter something...ahem.
Just letting y'all know why I won't be around for a few days... 24241. arkymalarky - 7/20/2008 9:37:43 PM Hey, thanks for that Robert! We're having a state meeting next weekend, and I've got another article or two to share. The legislature meets this year, and I'm wondering what they're going to have up their sleeves wrt rural schools. 24242. arkymalarky - 7/20/2008 9:45:39 PM Judith, Bob's dream is to teach entirely from home. That'll be great to not have to go to work every time Keoni needs to work. 24243. arkymalarky - 7/20/2008 9:48:01 PM Wow, that's Jay Greene. That helps way more than I thought. Of course there are major problems with his arguments about accountability that I won't bore y'all with, but the bottom line is helpful, and a study he led a year or two ago also supported our position and our research which indicates that disadvantaged students perform much better in rural schools. 24244. arkymalarky - 7/20/2008 9:49:13 PM If I could do what I really wanted in life I'd get into the PhD program he chairs in Fayetteville in the Department of Education Reform. 24245. iiibbb - 7/21/2008 5:18:01 PM et al.
I appreciate everyone's comments.
I do need validation... and it's nice to get external validation... the problem is that I don't get any from my wife.
I've got 2 1/2 months before I can technically look. That has been my firm position all along. The problem is that I don't have anything firm up there yet. She's got something in the works that should come into play within the next few months. I think this is part of the stress for her is that it's not nailed down yet. The university here reneged on the position that essentially put us here. We've cobbled together a stopgap, but it's not a long-term solution and I told her immediately that it meant we won't stay. The position she's working on getting is willing to give us a little time to find myself a job so we wouldn't have had to move immediately.
The second problem is that she's going stir-crazy in the house and is not meeting people she likes (not trying hard if you ask me, but that's another issue). Recently we had a health issue pop up that is very hard for her to deal with and has added to the stress and frustration of being here. She's at the end of her rope. So the plan about biding our time is pretty much out the window and as soon as she can act on this new job she's going to.
Which is fine. I can handle being apart. I'll just stay here until the house is sold or I get a new job and just go up there. Whatever.
I guess this is what rubs me the wrong way. It's not like I'm not trying or not making sacrifices or resisting leaving here in any way. I just wish she'd give me some credit. I really don't need the daily updates about how much it sucks here. It sucks here already. We're working on leaving... why keep harping on it?
24246. iiibbb - 7/21/2008 5:18:14 PM
We did move here for my career. The first job is the hardest to get... so I took it. Not only that it is still my firm belief that this job opens doors to the Northeast (my biggest worry is that pulling the cord too early they may not have opened enough to help... there is no way to tell. I've been productive here, but I haven't gotten funding on my own either... I've just been getting some papers published).
It's true that I didn't force her... but I perhaps didn't listen well enough.. nor her to me. That's a young marriage for you. Again... I wish she'd give me a little credit for the things that I'm doing right, rather than belaboring what got us here. There is still a lot of disagreement about her role in this (by not explicitly saying no when she could have). Occasionally she'll admit (usually when describing the situation to outsiders) that this was something I had to do... but when she's upset, all I get is grief.
It is very frustrating because this hasn't been easy on me. My own job hasn't been quite what I'd like it to be. I've told her the way this has all played out hasn't been easy on me and I've been depressed too. I've told her I don't want to stay.
After that you'd think we'd just put it behind us, but it seems like she can't sometimes and it all comes right back up the drain. I have trouble dealing with the "dealing with it"-"not dealing with it" swings. I also get frustrated with the complete lack of engagement of this problem. She complains about not having friends, but won't go out and meet people. She complains about other things, but doesn't DO anything constructive to mitigate them until we have a chance to leave. It is almost childish.
I'll say this much. Once we get out of here... for the rest of my life if she starts to complain about something I'll be able to say "At least we're not in XXX".
24247. iiibbb - 7/21/2008 5:18:34 PM
What keeps me going is that as long as I can get a job in the NE all of this will be worth it. I'm really into the idea of going there. I'll be close to my family as well as hers. She'll be happier. The rub is getting me a job, because in order to afford living there I need to be working, and I really would prefer to be doing something that uses my degree. If I were dealing with more certainty in that department all of this other stuff would be cake.
P.S. I've offered to go to counseling, but her response is essentially that she's happy with me and it's basically all of this other stuff that's going on. My only complaint about her is that she doesn't like to talk about it... or if she is talking about it it's only to be negative about it... there is no forward thinking. Of course I know it's all because of the depression she's going through so I try to cut her slack. The only thing that makes it hard for me is that there are so few outlets for me to talk about it because she's not a very effective confidant at the moment.
24248. arkymalarky - 7/21/2008 7:58:21 PM I've offered to go to counseling, but her response is essentially that she's happy with me and it's basically all of this other stuff that's going on.
That was what I got most out of counseling that I really wasn't there for: "all the other stuff." And again, I began by myself, not for marriage counseling. I was about to go ape after my school closed and Bob was no help because he hated his job so much and we had a small child. I was in a panic and he was miserable and we were no help to each other. The counselor recommended I bring Bob after a few sessions just with me. It just helped us step outside and get some perspective. In fact, now that I think about it, we never got joint counseling about our relationship except for the first session, which as I recall was basically a "what one thing bugs the hell out of you about this person that you two need to address, and how do we address it." That was mostly helpful in how we understood each other's personalities. After that, it was about determining where we were and where we wanted to be job-wise and in our personal--not so much married--lives. Very practical stuff.
When you're unhappy and stressed your brain gets in ruts it's hard to see over. For me, personally, the most valuable thing I learned (and I've had to relearn it several times the hard way, since) is to respect what stresses me and how I react to it, and what will tip me from stress to pure misery. Without counseling it's easy to wallow in it until it takes over completely, which is a scary feeling. With counseling I felt like I regained some control over where I was going. And if I'm under extreme stress I won't hesitate to use counseling and/or temporary medicine until I can get past it. 24249. iiibbb - 7/21/2008 8:41:28 PM I've still got perspective. It's just about the only thing keeping me sane. I certainly wish I had a better read on my job prospects up north, but we're going so there's not a whole lot I can do about it.
I just wish she had more perspective, but she's so tied up in knots with depression it's impossible most of the time. She can't talk to me about it rationally 98% of the time... she doesn't talk to other people about it... and she doesn't want to try to either. I think she's deathly scared that if she lets us get comfortable we won't leave.
All I can really do is hope that this job she's got lined up totally pans out. It hinges on one thing happening (which is probable, but not 100%)... after that we'll have something to make decisions from.
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