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25724. judithathome - 10/20/2009 7:11:45 PM ...and now he has to kill us!
Congrats!
Alistair, that trip sounds like something Keoni and I would do! 25725. iiibbb - 10/26/2009 11:19:46 PM Sigh...
... so my wife is settling into her new job and she likes 85% of it... but 15% has been a land-mine apparently. She and her boss are having some sort of issue and it's really bothering my wife. It's a bit of surprise because they got along really well up until P got there. Her boss is a bit of a micro-managing control freak who isn't good at describing what she wants.
My wife is doubly stressed because I left my job for her and I still haven't nailed anything down (although I have some irons in the fire). It does freak me out a bit, but I have to be careful how much I telegraph this because I know my wife feels guilt; anything I add will be magnified by 100, which won't help her, me, or the soon to arrive baby.
My wife is triply stressed because her mom's having knee surgery today. Her dad is having memory issues, and her brother is still useless.
Although I wish some of the moves she'd made getting here were more calculated, but it sounds like she's making rational choices in dealing with a "difficult" boss.
I'm not sure how I could've done anything different.
I feel powerless mostly.
Even though I get stressed, I'm a pretty go with the flow kind of guy, but when will all of this chaos end?
I think my biggest difficulty is the lack of friends I can really unload on while respecting my wife's more private nature. I'm used to telling my parents a lot of what's going on with me, but I don't want them to think I married a nutcase (because she's not). 25726. wabbit - 10/27/2009 12:24:26 AM You can always unload here, iiibbb. We're pretty good listeners.
What kind of knee surgery is your m-i-l having? fwiw, your wife's family sounds like a smaller version of mine. I'm more sure every day that I was beamed down from elsewhere.
On a brighter note, I've just spent ten fabulous days with the Arky's. It's been said before, but it bears repeating - what cool people Arky and family are, the most hospitable people you could wish to impose upon. I had a great time! 25727. iiibbb - 10/27/2009 2:13:42 AM I don't know what's going on at her work. She is very upset about whatever is going on to the point she can't talk about it right now...
This is one feature of my wife that I find the hardest to deal with because I have virtually no outlet for the emotion it causes in me. When she's upset, I'm upset... but when she won't talk about it my imagination runs wild.
I've crawled way out on a limb for her, it it is very disconcerting to have this career move of her not gelling. I am very exposed career-wise... what have I given up? I can't afford to short-term another job.
But she can't talk about it right now. (she's not so depressed she can't laugh about certain things... but if the job comes up she can only just keep from crying. But what do I do for her? What can I say to someone for my own sake? I'm down to one outlet really who really gets things and isn't going to think differently of P, but she's very hard to get a hold of. 25728. arkymalarky - 10/27/2009 6:42:43 AM You've both been through huge transitions and though it's hard to see right now, things will settle down and you will get past it. 25729. arkymalarky - 10/27/2009 6:45:29 AM Thanks Wabbit! We loved having you! It was a wonderful ten days--it flew by! 25730. iiibbb - 10/27/2009 2:38:16 PM Upon reflection over night... I really blame her boss for a lot of what's going on. This person made the transition to MS worse by dangling a job in front of my wife 3 weeks after I made a commitment... which played havoc on my wife's emotions and never let her really transition down there. I told my wife at the time that such overtures were not a good sign, but she was so upset about MS that none of these comments stuck.
Then when an actual job offer came a year and a half later I have really stuck my neck out for this person I barely know... who has worked with my wife for several years now... she recruited my wife, and now she's treating her like crap.
The fuzzy picture I have managed to ascertain is that she asigns my wife deliverables, hands her a bad example, and has gotten very upset with what my wife returns to her. In one case it was an annual report she gave my wife less than a week to do... P gave her what she could do... and now her boss has sat on it for 2 months and won't give it to her to finish, show her an example of how she wants it, or really provide guidance.
P also thinks there is a certain amount of resentment because her boss is a non-PhD, who is swamped by middle management and a spouse who's has a debilitating disease.
I can criticize my wife on three points. 1) she has trouble being objective when she's disturbed 2) I'm not entirely sure how diplomatic she is sometimes 3) I'm not entirely sure how capable of self-sacrifice she is when it's a difficult situation. Basically in a tough situation, can she sit still long enough and keep her immediate interests in check in order to maintain forward momentum. 25731. iiibbb - 10/27/2009 3:27:52 PM I feel pretty exposed giving up a good job for this endeavor. It is really hard to talk to people about what's been happening. I have a hard time talking to one of my mentors about this situation, especially now, because I'm not sure if he's going to think that I've thrown things away. I have no momentum right now.
My only real job opportunity at present are some consulting opportunities once I acquire a few certifications.
But what do I do if her job blows up now? What if I just get into a new job and her deal melts down?
I hate feeling like this is all out of control.
My wife once said that I was risk-adverse... that stung. She asks sometimes how soon I'm going to have a job... I'm going to be lucky when I can cobble something together... and it may very well prove to be a good change for me, but I have some re-tooling to do. If I were a lesser person I might be screaming at her at this point. 25732. Wombat - 10/28/2009 3:02:44 AM Keep yer chin up and keep pluggin' away. 25733. iiibbb - 10/28/2009 3:30:10 PM Developments...
She's still not ready to talk about it, but three things were revealed to me today
1) She said that it's been bad enough that she's considered career change (although I think this is purely emotional). Basically a bunch of things have been going wrong and her boss has blamed her (this I don't understand because P is not a decision maker, she's a statistician... her job is providing a clear picture from which to make decisions... her ability to do this is only as good as people describing the problem to her).
2) She admits that hindsight being 20/20 she should've tried harder in Mississippi. Of course hindsight is hindsight... and there are plenty of things that would've remained plenty hard if we'd stayed (e.g. health care). I told her we can only make decisions based on information at the time. I'm glad that if we find ourselves in a Mississippi-type situation she'll probably have a little more perspective.
3) She said that whatever is going on between her and her boss, her boss has at least stated she wants to reconcile... P said that such olive branches have been extended before... but I still see this as a good sign for at least making this situation livable. I still don't have a full picture of what's happening between them, so I don't want to guess. From my limited picture I think this is a case of neither of them quite understanding what the other does. P's a statistician first, ecologist second. There are some basic things she's not going to just know. Her ability to do a job depends mostly on how well it's described to her; most ecologists IMHO suck at this because they so often get caught up in minutiae. I'm not sure her boss really has a full appreciation on the powerful tools P brings to the table.
I hope I can give her some good advice. It has been said to me one of my hidden talents in the workplace is working with difficult personalities. Whether I can pass any of this on to my wife remains to be seen. I think both of them are going to have to extend themselves a bit to correct this... unfortunately the boss has a husband who's got a terminal disease, and P is pregnant and worried about my job-situation. 25734. judithathome - 10/30/2009 6:53:08 PM I hope I can give her some good advice.
You more than likely can...whether she takes it is a different matter. 25735. alistairConnor - 10/31/2009 12:59:03 AM I have discovered the joys of relationships as a combat sport over the last couple of years. My first marriage failed, in large part, because we were too scared to fight.
My girlfriend has been fending me off for the past few days. Making me feel like a visitor, while insisting that nothing is wrong. I recognised that as a sign that she's got major worries. That's her way : when there's trouble, she rolls herself up like a hedgehog. In those circumstances, I want to be close to her, and help, or at least provide support. But she wants to solve her problems on her own.
Today I came home at lunchtime to pick a fight with her. So we ended up having a frank discussion of the various issues. We solved nothing, but we both feel better for it. And we are close again. 25736. judithathome - 10/31/2009 10:56:38 PM That's her way : when there's trouble, she rolls herself up like a hedgehog.
This is a lovely descriptive phrase...it says it all.
You oughta write a book, Alistair. ;-) 25737. alistairconnor - 11/1/2009 5:06:30 PM Then perhaps I will, Judith.
At Webfeet's suggestion, I'm reading David Lodge. Quite enjoying it, but at first I found him irritatingly derivative. Until I realised that the author he reminded me of was me.
She stands before him, a naked goddess. Small, round breasts with pink, pointed nipples. A slender waist, broad hips, and gently curving belly. A tongue of fire at her crotch.
Well, I ask you.
Also, I came across a novel on the internet yesterday, self-published, friend of a friend via Facebook. It's about a kid in New Zealand forming a punk band in the early 80s, so it has a number of themes which interest me. I enjoyed the book, but it makes me wonder if it can interest a general audience. I think one has to write from one's roots, and one needs to be an experienced author before attempting subjects that one hasn't actually had direct experience of. But transcending the specific and tending towards the universal is the thing, the test of the true writer. 25738. judithathome - 11/3/2009 12:07:15 AM Alistair, just write, for cripe's sake.
David Lodge interested me at first but c'mon...everyone who writes is derivitive...you can find whisps of any author from "before" in anything written today.
Things have changed in the ways people read, in the ways people view movies and TV and friggin' life...this is not the same literary scene as it was back in the day. (And back in the day is swiftly becoming LAST WEEK.)
You have a knack for economy of description...that's a valuable assest in these times of texting and fast-paced interpesonal relationships.
Jump on it, man! 25739. alistairconnor - 11/3/2009 11:33:46 PM Thanks Judith. Your encouragement means a lot to me. 25740. iiibbb - 11/10/2009 6:36:22 AM Name me a cheese that has a medium firmness like Swiss... but a creamy mildness like Danish Havarti. 25741. alistairConnor - 11/10/2009 9:42:24 AM Don't get me started. I don't hold with foreign cheeses, myself.
Try Beaufort, or Abondance
 25742. iiibbb - 11/10/2009 3:12:46 PM I love cheese.... I could never be too provincial about it. 25743. iiibbb - 11/10/2009 3:13:17 PM Except processed cheese... but that doesn't count.
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