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25958. arkymalarky - 5/2/2010 9:25:43 PM Please do, Thoughtful. I've wondered about you, as well, knowing you must have been dealing with your mother's illness. Please let us know what has been happening. 25959. thoughtful - 5/2/2010 10:24:58 PM My mother passed away in February. Last fall she wasn't doing well with confusion and chronic urinary infections. Apparently these UTIs can really cause lots of mental issues including she was having visual and auditory hallucinations from sepsis. But the situation kept worsening and so they decided to look for other causes. Her cancer had spread to her brain. In December she ended up in the nursing home and was going for radiation treatments. It became clear that the radiation was not helping at all. Fortunately she wasn't in much pain until maybe the last week when we called in hospice.
I still ache with missing her...she was a most wonderful person who brought so much fun and humor to my life. When she was in FL, we used to get on the phone on Sat mornings and spent 40 min of the hour just laughing. We shared the same sense of humor and understood each other so well. So many activities I do I used to do with her...yet now I have to do them alone and miss her all the more. I miss the pleasure she brought to my life. She was my life-long best friend. No one will ever fill the hole her absence has made in my life.
She was so strong and uncomplaining even up to the end. She was making jokes even as she could no longer move her own body. Such a courageous woman who had suffered so much tragedy in her life and yet never stopped striving to maintain a young and hopeful attitude. As you may recall, she nursed my SIL through her lung cancer, found my father after he committed suicide, and found my brother after he committed suicide. Prior to that she took care of her MIL with her cancer, and took care of her parents for 9 years. She was a most giving person. She bravely faced into her own imminent death without complaint. Her only desire toward the end was that she not be a burden to me or my husband. I was so fortunate to have her in my life for as long as I did.
While she was dying, I had to handle the financial affairs, the medical affairs, the nursing home situation, and the 'real' stuff like closing up her condo, cleaning out the fridge, etc, at the same time my job was extremely busy with travel and going through very tough contract negotiations with one of the suppliers. And still keep the house building project going. Yet all I really wanted to do was spend time with Mom while I still had her around. It was the most frustrating time of my life. It all caught up to me though. I knew she was going to die that weekend...I went to see her on Saturday am but couldnt stay as I was feeling so ill myself. I went home with severe intestinal flu and a high fever. I literally couldn't get more than a short walk away from the bathroom....that night the nursing home called to say, 'Your mother passed away...when are you going to come down and collect her things?' My hubby was such a peach to go and do that for me. I would not have survived all this without him.
25960. thoughtful - 5/2/2010 10:29:15 PM Since then work still has been crazy including my boss of nearly 20 years just up and left and now i'm trying to learn to deal with the new boss. Also i'm building a stack of paperwork that will weigh as much as I do by the time I'm done, trying to deal with the estate, probate, lawyers, bills, etc. etc.
In addition, I'm working with a doc watching a lump I found ...so far so good, but we're still watching. Hubby is working with his kidney doctor as his kidney function is deteriorating, but so far so good. My cousin called yesterday to tell me that her father died...bad enough, but he was the primary care giver to her 99 year old grandmother. My cousin lives 1500 miles away and desperately trying to deal with the shock of losing her father while trying to figure out what to do with her grandmother. My other cousin called to tell me his brother committed suicide...he was in a mental hospital for depression and, as his insurance ran out, they changed his meds and sent him home. The next day he was dead.
And did i tell you we are still trying to finish the house and move in? I want to have a memorial service for my mom there, was hoping for this spring, but it looks possible that we might be in by June and could have it there this summer. Despite mother's condition, we were able to bring her to the new house where we had xmas dinner with her.
25961. thoughtful - 5/2/2010 10:32:32 PM I am working hard at trying to heal myself from all of this. I feel like I'm the only mole in a one-hole whack-a-mole game...every time I pop my head up, it gets smashed down by something else again.
Desperately seeking resilience... 25962. wabbit - 5/2/2010 10:34:56 PM Oh Thoughtful, I am so sorry to hear this news, I can't even begin to imagine how much you are missing her. Your mother sounds like she was a very special person. I know we don't get to know each other very well here, but I think from your description of her that you are a lot like her and she must have been very proud of you.
You have my deepest sympathies. Words are just never enough. 25963. thoughtful - 5/2/2010 10:47:47 PM Thanks, wabbit. I appreciate your support and kindness. 25964. arkymalarky - 5/2/2010 11:09:26 PM Oh my, Thoughtful! I'm so sorry! I'm glad you were able to have your mom at your new house. What a lot you've gone through in the last few months. I hope things begin to improve soon. Your mother always seemed wonderful from your posts. 25965. thoughtful - 5/2/2010 11:23:47 PM Thanks, Arky. Much appreciated. 25966. wabbit - 5/2/2010 11:29:15 PM Oh geez, I just re-read your following posts (I had to run downstairs to tend to my parents' dinner) - good grief.
I had a lumpectomy about seven years ago. I was very lucky in so many repects, and as lucky and easy as my path was, I hope your path is easier. 25967. Ms. No - 5/3/2010 7:12:01 AM Thoughtful, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. My best to you and to your family. You are getting more than your share of burdens this year. Be well. 25968. Ms. No - 5/3/2010 7:16:02 AM 3i3b, happy belated and hang in there. Definitely revel in your child ---- and never feel you can't come here to unload troubles. Stress is definitely a back-buster. Just think, the Mote is way cheaper than a therapist. ;-> 25969. thoughtful - 5/3/2010 12:38:18 PM Thanks, Ms. No. 25970. vonKreedon - 5/3/2010 5:00:20 PM Holy crap Thoughtful, that is a seriously unfair amount of grief and stress to have dumped on you. I'm so glad to hear that your husband is a supportive peach.
Really, don't be afraid of us. 25971. thoughtful - 5/3/2010 6:28:38 PM Thanks vonK...not so much afraid, but not able to deal with anything else... the plate is beyond overflowing and I don't need more crap.
We sold my mother's house in FL and now i'm trying to sell her condo up here, plus we have probate to go through. And she left some $ to my nephew which means i'm going to have to deal with him...more crap to go through!
It took me 3 mos to get the money back from the nursing home with legal documents, paralegals, checks written, bank accounts etc etc. All of this is a total exercise in frustration.
It took 3 days and 3 faxes of the same material before the idiots at the insurance co. could find it so I could change the address on the policy so I could pay it. Un-freakin' believable.
Every thing piece of paper I touch is like that...try to do something, think it's all set and then another hold up, another piece of paper, another phone call, on and on.
So I end up working the weekends to make up for all the time lost during the week that I'm doing paperwork, which has to be done during weekdays as that's the only time customer service is around.
When all I want to do is be working on moving into the new house.
So far, we've managed to move some books and some fabric...still waiting on the painters to come and finish up and we need the rods in the closets which are supposed to come tomorrow.
Let's hope. 25972. thoughtful - 5/3/2010 7:28:26 PM and did I tell you? In the middle of trying to move from binder to contract on my mother's condo before the homebuyers tax credit expires, my real estate agent's husband dies?!?!?
After awhile you've got to ask, is it me?!? 25973. alistairconnor - 5/3/2010 7:46:13 PM Thoughtful, I wish we could have a drink together and a chat, just to offer you some moral support through such a trying period.
The upside is that you've got the house coming up... lots of work and stress moving in, then perhaps the feeling of fulfillment and achievement, time to relax in it over summer...? 25974. alistairconnor - 5/3/2010 7:48:06 PM iii, you're overdue for a good break. Something will come up!
On the other hand, having time with your son at that age is something you'll never regret, a real luxury and a great start in life for him. 25975. thoughtful - 5/3/2010 7:58:35 PM Thanks, ac...I think we would enjoy a drink together. 25976. vonKreedon - 5/3/2010 8:29:36 PM I am sooo not looking forward to my parents dying. I moved accross the continent at least partially to put the continent between me and my family, but still I know that when my Mom dies it's going to hit me like a 2x4 accross the back of the head. And that's leaving aside having to deal with the impact of dealing with my two mentally ill younger brothers once my Mom and Dad are gone.
Best wishes Thoughtful for Fortune's Wheel to turn to good things for you and yours in the immediate future. 25977. thoughtful - 5/3/2010 10:04:11 PM vonK....dealing with your brothers sounds like a real challenge. While it is an eventuality, try not to borrow trouble...it will rise soon enough to meet you.
in the old days we had a community of support to help us with our family issues which has since evaporated. now we're left to struggle on alone. not easy. no wonder western societies are so wracked with depression and other stress-related illnesses!
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