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Here is my FaceBook page. I wrote something on it a few hours ago. Erased it. And put it back up because it was eating at me.

"That weird feeling I got in the restaurant is still on my mind. Got up and left. No, not a bellyache. Tingly weird. Must have been the ants crawling all over my body."

I just realized what it was. My ex-father-in-law was there. I never focused on his face, though, partly because I had my reading glasses on; partly because I felt the sensation immediatly and was looking round and round from the first second. Funny how the subconscious can see things we don't. Anyway. He's the closest thing to a father I've ever had. And he didn't greet me. Considering the things a BPD DID, etc., sufferer will make up--because, really, they don't know--I guess it's not a surprise. It hurts, though. I've been forgiving in a Christian way all along. Looks like they're not going to. And, if you'll look at some of my trust mistakes listed in #25475 above, that cost me everything I ever worked for. Like I said at Ace's I could have gone many different ways before I met her, like starting the restructuring of my business, finishing my house (only 40 days out), locking in the equity, and spending two weeks in Brazil. In fact, that was my very plan.

And here, I mentioned why I'm being painted black. It's similar to my post at #25475, but much greater detail. I wasn't there. I didn't do it. She's unblameworthy. I know I pushed too hard. But I didn't do it.

It's frustrating. I'm now black evil because of someone's most primitive, subjectivity-driven, surreal, ego protection mechanisms, which are perfectly understandable, considering what she's been through. But. I didn't do it. I just tried to get her to stop drinking because her son, the only boy to ever call me "dad"--the most wonderful word I've ever heard--expressed his concern in private. I screwed-up the attempt, of course, out of arrogance and marked ignorance of the depth of her underlying condition. But I'm not one of the creatures from the dark past. It's not fair to paint me with that brush. She has little choice, I know that. But they know better. In fact, I put her ahead of me in everything. She made all the big decisions. I carried them out. Like I said, I'm Co-D. That's why I lost everything.

(continued)

25523. rdbrewer - 8/12/2009 8:18:09 AM

I'm ranting, because it stings really hard. I love that man. You have to believe your little girl, of course, but he should know better. If you read the texts, like mine, heh, these people make-up or mold reality at will. Stepping on you proves to them they're not "a bad person." If you look bad, how can they look bad? Of course, no one said they were bad; no one tried to make them look bad, but, for them, any criticism is taken as a statement they're bad. Thus, no apologies, however warranted; kick in the defense afterburners, and knock 'em down. That way, you're safe.

I'm not complaining about her. I understand her and forgive her. And if she needs a bad guy, I'll be it. I'm just hurt he didn't say hi.

You know, maybe he thought I saw him first and purposely didn't say anything. I hope not. That would mean, of course, I'm even more of an asshole. I really hope not. In that case, couldn't God, the fates, Evis, or Abraham Lincoln have told me to lose the glasses before getting outta the car?

/rant

But I really love that guy.

25524. iiibbb - 8/12/2009 8:33:36 AM

I'm having a rough night.

I'm trying to stay positive, but I've not had success as of yet in finding a job here. I'm not sure how to do it. I've always followed my career places, and I pulled the plug on my job in MS for my wife. Now I'm in a new place trying to network, but it's starting to stall a bit and it's just starting to make me worry.

I've got an application out for a post doc that I thought I'd at least get an interview for, but that's been out there a while now so I'm not confident I'm even getting a look.

I'm a complete neophyte with regards to looking for work. I'm specialized and I hate talking about myself. I don't know how to market myself at all.

I'm lucky because my leave of absence means there's no gap in my employment on paper, but in October that's going to go away and then I'm going to be somewhere I never thought I'd be.


I've given up a lot, and put quite a bit on the line for the sake of my marriage. I sure hope I get some movement soon, but I feel a bit stymied about what to do.

Do those headhunting services work? I find that I am skeptical about them, but maybe they would be a vehicle for finding work where I could perform, but have to hard of a time picturing myself to make the connection.

I don't know.

25525. iiibbb - 8/12/2009 8:35:25 AM

We did get the house rented in MS although it doesn't cover the mortgage... it's better than nothing. If we can sell it next year for our current asking price it's better than dropping the price any more now. We managed to get some non-student tenants too.

25526. rdbrewer - 8/12/2009 8:39:08 AM

25527. rdbrewer - 8/12/2009 8:40:57 AM

Must have had an open tag there. Here is another thing I wrote at TPW:

"Psychological honesty is precious. As I mentioned upthread, these things are stealthy. If psychological honesty becomes a goal, these mechanisms have to be monitored and beaten back over and over. This is probably very nearly impossible without at least some counseling. BUT. Once past a certain hurdle, it's easy. And try to avoid thinking I'm universalizing my own experience. Dr. Richardson hit on this in quotes I posted upthread. We are flawed beings. Easy to recite, but real acceptance of those words is another matter. Monitoring for these whack-a-mole background programs becomes a piece of cake once you understand that you are designed to screw up. We're the screw-up species, Homo Sapiens Sapiens Screw-up. Once you expect to screw up, the self-bullshit mechanisms are much less important. What would be the need at that point? They're hardly required. Recall the following quote from above, "Once these inner experiences are properly understood consciously, you can begin to live an emotionally open and honest life, and your unhealthy defenses will dissolve because they will no longer have any useful function." Anyway. What I get from reading Dr. Richardson is that acceptance of our flawed nature is the key to psychological honesty. It's the big hurdle."

25528. rdbrewer - 8/12/2009 8:44:20 AM

"I'm trying to stay positive, but I've not had success as of yet in finding a job here. I'm not sure how to do it. I've always followed my career places, and I pulled the plug on my job in MS for my wife."

I can't find one either, iiibbb. I know how you feel. And in the past, I always made my own opportunities. So I've had to re-learn how to ask someone else for a job. Depressing. I'm depressed. As anyone can tell.

25529. rdbrewer - 8/12/2009 8:51:24 AM

And I have a gorgeous resume.

25530. rdbrewer - 8/12/2009 9:17:18 AM

Hang in there, iiibbb. And I'll try to take my own advice. I hope you we hear good news soon. And I hadn't thought about employment agencies. Geez, it's been 29 years since I went to one. Maybe I'll try that too.

25531. judithathome - 8/12/2009 3:23:47 PM

Do those headhunting services work?

I could be glib and say "Well, they found work for themsleves, at least!" but seriously, what have you to lose? They probably have more contacts and inroads than you do and what could it hurt?

As specialized as your field is, I'd think they could help a great deal. Give it a try! What do you have to lose except your idle time?

Glad to hear you rented out the house, by the way!

25532. rdbrewer - 8/13/2009 11:53:54 AM

Ace's threads flow kind of like these, but they move faster. Here, we had a rambling, interesting discussion about relationships, marriage, solitude, and etiquette, to name a few.

I was "Dave in Venice" that day. Lately, I've been calling myself "Dave in [insert location here]." It's kind of fun. People started wondering where in the world I was going to be next.

You guys read Ace? I bet you do in secret.

25533. arkymalarky - 8/13/2009 3:22:53 PM

Not in secret or in public.

But the mote is the only forum I go to. No time, for one thing. Back to dialup at home, for another.

25534. iiibbb - 8/13/2009 3:32:36 PM

I've been at the mote the longest. I have some issue-specific ones that I visit, but this is the longest run.

25535. vonKreedon - 8/13/2009 4:47:41 PM

3i3b/RD - Have you tried registering with LinkedIn? Here's an Yahoo TechNews article about job hunting and social networking.

25536. wabbit - 8/13/2009 4:49:16 PM

rdbrewer, I read your post, the second one linked in Message # 25522, but otherwise, haven't read Ace's forum at all.

25537. vonKreedon - 8/13/2009 4:49:47 PM

And I read Ace occasionally, but less and less as he descends further into boring formulaic choir preaching. Gabrial Malor is by far the most interesting person posting over there these days. Ace has always been a highly vitriolic writer, but he used to be perceptive and funny. Not anymore.

25538. vonKreedon - 8/13/2009 4:50:19 PM

And I don't read the comments at all as they just make me depressed and fear for the Republic.

25539. judithathome - 8/13/2009 5:35:28 PM

I don't read Ace or TPW, in secret or otherwise. I do go to other forums but see no need going to those two...they didn't like me when they posted here and still don't so I figure, why even bother?

And if Ace is less funny than before, I'm certainly not drawn to reading him now as I didn't think he was THAT funny to begin with.

25540. iiibbb - 8/13/2009 6:15:12 PM

Message # 25537

If so he's the perfect analog/barometer for the Republican party as a whole.

I used to have some affinity for that party (fiscal responsibility, small gov't, achievement through merit), but since Bush was elected they've thrown just about everything out the window. I just can't bear the hypocrisy anymore.

25541. Wombat - 8/13/2009 6:30:50 PM

I'd go over to Acey's site occasionally to rattle the cages of the "monkey house" (comments section), but life is too short to waste time on that.

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